surfercam

I'm Baaaaaack!

2010-11-15T11:57:00.000+10:00

Whether you like it or not - I'm back baby!

It's been a loooooong time and much to tell... later.

Stay tuned!

Yes, I am still alive....

2009-05-03T09:16:00.002+10:00

Just been very busy with :

Child No. 2 - who won't sleep during the day, which isn't good because now I :
Work from Home - which is just the best thing ever! Until a few weeks ago when :
My Boss Passed Away - and now I am running the whole show and have never been busier. And all that while :
I have started a clothing label - more details to come one the website is up and running...

Long time, No Post....

2009-02-27T09:01:00.000+10:00

Been bloody busy!
Good news coming up soon...... Stay Tuned!

2009-02-08T13:00:00.001+10:00

ARSONISTS
ARE
MURDERERS

Apologies!

2009-02-08T12:58:00.000+10:00

Can't believe it's been almost a month since I last posted.

But I have been extremely busy as a new Dad with a baby that doesn't like to sleep all that much...

On top of that, my work is not going great, however we have shut the office and I now work from home which is bloody fantastic!

Will begin posting more soon.

"Let's go for a drink"

2009-01-15T13:34:00.001+10:00

BEENLEIGH APPEAL

2009-01-14T11:37:00.000+10:00

Hurricane Shazza hit Beenleigh in the early hours of 17th November 2008.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering 'Faaackinell'.

The hurricane devastated the area causing approximately $30 worth of
damage. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many
locals were woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.
The Beenleigh Times reported that hundreds of residents were confused and
bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Beenleigh.

One resident - Tracy Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 3 said 'It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two Billy-Bob and Billy-Joe slept through it all.'
Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried
on as normal. The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000
crates of Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found
large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards,
Jewellery from Kmart, and Bone China from Big W.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
sought after - items most needed include: flannelette shirts, tight blue
jeans or spandex, singlet's (blue & white) white sport socks, Ugg boots
and any other items usually sold in Priceline or The Reject Shop.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked
beans, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.
Donations of $15.00 will be taken to buy a packet of winny blue 25s and
a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-07T13:42:00.001+10:00

Welcome back to a new year.

For all of those playing at home, SurferCam had a baby girl on New Year's Eve.

All is well - baby is great, Pink Mafia is well and Daddy is exhausted....

2008 – A Year in Review

2008-12-22T11:13:00.001+10:00

As the festive season is about to begin, and work ends, I rarely shower or shave, drink way to much and eat like a pig, I thought it time to have a look back on yet another year.

Worst Days :
1. Finding out our baby might have some problems.
2. A very close family friend passing away.
3. Getting violently ill in Shanghai.

Best Days :
1. Finding out our baby was going to be ok.
2. Holidaying in Italy.
3. Holidaying in Hong Kong.

Best thing in BlogLand – the arrival of BoBo
Worst thing in BlogLand – the retirement of Steph and idiotic people hassling other bloggers.

Other Notes :
Work – Hasn’t gone according to plan. Very disappointing.
Friends – they are disappearing - keep moving overseas or interstate.
Fitness – what’s that?
Surfing – have been about 10 times this year. Not good.

Oh well, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!

See you in 2009!

SurferCam’s Top 10 Christmas Tips

2008-12-18T09:45:00.000+10:00

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table
knows nothing of the **Christmas spirit**. In fact, if you see carrots,
leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.**

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot
find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has
10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an
eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me.
Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car
with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your
eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while
carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted
Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near
them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of
attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind,
you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you
don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three.
When else do you get to have more than one dessert?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or
get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips;
start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

A favourite pastime

2008-12-16T14:34:00.000+10:00

Wherever I have worked around the world, I’ve always played this game of giving people I don’t know, a nickname.
I’m not sure why, call me an observationist (if that is a word), call me a bitch, call me what you like, but I think it’s fun.

Here are some of the people that work in my building :

The Most Beautiful Girl in the World - I call her that because she thinks she is, but she certainly isn’t – she’d be lucky to be a 5 out of 10. And smoking a pack or two a day is not sexy either.

Mimi – remember Mimi from The Drew Carey Show, well this girl is the spitting image of her, with a little less makeup. Every time I get in the lift with her, I have to stop myself from pissing my pants laughing at her.

Madonna Man – previously mentioned on this blog, this guy has a chain around his neck with the word Madonna on it, a thing hanging off his mobile with a picture of Madonna on it and, best of all, the word Madonna tattooed on his arm and a picture of her tattooed above it. And guess what – from what I can tell, he’s not even gay!

Barbie – this girl looks like an actual living, walking, talking Barbie doll. The resemblance is uncanny – she is quite tall, thin, blonde and her face is a perfect match for a Barbie doll. She truly is amazing and a bit freaky at the same time.

The Most Annoying Person in the World – unfortunately I have been in the lift with this woman a few times and I have to do everything in my willpower not to stab her to death with my mobile phone. She mid-40’s, dresses like she is on acid or colour blind or both, and has to know everyone’s business.

Hairy-Grub Eyebrows – you know those hairy grubs you see in your garden, well there’s a woman in this building who has two black bushy hairy grubs permanently mating on her forehead. They standout even more because she is blonde, and they are black. She freaks me out – well, the 'grubs' do.

The Rocker – Mid-50’s bloke, dresses and acts like he’s just got off stage. I have to stop myself from shouting “Where’s the rest of the band?”

INXS – there’s a guy here that looks exactly like the saxa-mo-phone player from INXS. I want to ask him to play the solo from “Never tear us apart”.

Big Head – She’s actually quite attractive, dresses really nicely and has massive boobs, but her head is gigantic! You see her and have to stop yourself from going “Whoah! I’m not getting in the lift with that!”

Grandpa Munster – except she’s female, but she has the exact same lips and nose as Grandpa Munster. Maybe she’s his long lost granddaughter…

And then there are the people that work for a government that’s in the building, where the following is acceptable at their work – dreadlocks, wearing boardshorts, wearing t-shirts, pierced-lips, pierced eye-brows etc etc.
I wish I could get a job there….

Australian Movies

2008-12-10T09:50:00.001+10:00

Don’t get me wrong, I love Aussie Movies, including most of those mentioned below.

But people often wonder why Australian Movies don’t perform all that well.

Gee, is it really that hard to work out?

We (Australia) make weird movies, or they are targeted at a very small segment of the market, that’s why.

Priscilla Queen of the Desert – Drag Queens riding around on a bus.
Romper Stomper – Skinheads bashing everyone and anyone.
Muriel’s Wedding – Werido chick who tries on wedding dresses.
Strictly Ballroom – no, not the porn version, the movie about ballroom dancing.
Kenny – The guy who cleans dunnies for a living.
The Castle – A family that enjoys living next to the airport.

And the ‘best’ of all :
Bad Boy Bubby – now tell me that’s not the most fucked up movie you've ever seen!

And the other thing about Australian Movies is that they all have the same actors.
You can’t make a movie in Australia without Bill Hunter – it’s the law!

What other Aussie movies fit into this category?

Schoolies

2008-12-08T10:58:00.001+10:00

Schoolies is over for another year. Thank God!

One of the pitfalls of working right in the middle of Surfers Paradise is have to endure the annual drink-till-you-spew and pash-anyone-in-sight fest, known as Schoolies Week.

For those playing at home who don’t live in Oz, Schoolies Week the week at the end of your final year at school, where you and your friends get an apartment for a week and drink yourself stupid, rarely eat or sleep, and end up getting it on with strangers or that person in your class you’ve been eyeing-off since grade 8, and now that you’re both drunk, finally have the guts to hit on.

Some of the interesting articles I’ve read about Schoolies week so far :

Morning After Pill - Pharmacies in Surfers Paradise have reported triple the number of sales of the morning-after pill during this year's Schoolies Festival – nice one girls.

Meningococcal – some poor kid has contracted this awful disease. Some of the symptoms to look out for are nausea, vomiting and headaches – mmm I bet no-one at Schoolies would be suffering from any of those…

Injured – Two teenagers were injured in a minor car accident – Why? Because they were laying in the back of a ute being driven around town when it crashed.

Schoolies Religion Camp – a Camp for religious people where there is no drinking, no smoking and no kissing or sex – I have already booked in my 6 year old daughter for when she does Schoolies Week in 2020.

Nothing Better!

2008-12-05T11:38:00.001+10:00

There is nothing better than going into a bottle shop and doing your shopping with a trolley.

Yesterday I bought the following :

- Carton of Carlton Draught
- Carton of Heineken
- Carton of Tooheys Extra Dry
- A Heineken Keg
- A bottle of Vodka
- A 6pack of mini vodka bottles

That should get me through the rest of the week....

Girl + Boobs + Surfboard = SurferCam in Love

2008-12-03T16:12:00.001+10:00

Disgusted – Part II

2008-12-02T14:23:00.000+10:00

The other day I brought you the story about the car crash.

Well check out what happened on the day BEFORE the accident :

“The 18-year-old driver was also charged with two counts of dangerous driving, two counts of evading police, two counts of unlicensed driving and two counts of unregistered vehicle relating to incidents which allegedly took place last Friday, the day before the fatal smash.”

UNBELIEVABLE
Why was he allowed back out on the roads!

Brain Snap

2008-11-26T16:01:00.000+10:00

Have you noticed lately how common it’s become for people to use the term ‘brain-snap’ as an excuse to get out of something stupid they have done!

It seems to be used by well known people – mainly sporting people, and more specifically Rugby League players and coaches – for when they fuck up big time.

The do or say something stupid, but when questioned about it, they seem to be exonerated as soon as they say, “oh, I had a brain snap.”
Oh, well that’s ok then.
It doesn’t matter that you glassed your girlfriend, threw a phone at someone or accused a whole sport of being cheats and biased, you said it was just brain snap, so you’re ok then.

And so what the fuck IS a ‘brain-snap’?
Well, I had to google it and here is the answer (by the way I googled this after I had written the above) :

BRAIN SNAP - the term used by famous people (and normal people) to justify doing something really stupid that if they'd taken half a second to think about it they probably wouldn't have done it anyway. It's a cheap way of saying sorry for doing something dumb and not taking any slack for it.

You know what – I don’t think ‘normal people’ use this term at all and I think the last sentence explains it all.

Disgusting

2008-11-24T11:55:00.001+10:00

If you live in Australia, you may have already read this article below.
The accident happened only a few kilometres from my place on Saturday afternoon and my partner drove by only a few minutes after it happened. Luckily she wasn’t going through there a few minutes earlier.

Apart from that, it’s just disgusting that these young blokes, the driver be unlicensed, the car unregistered, chose to sit and eat take away food rather than help a dying old man.

“A group of youths sat on the roadside and ate fast food while an elderly man lay dying from a crash involving their high-performance car, witnesses claim.
The four teenagers and one 27-year-old were travelling in a Subaru WRX when it collided with a 1974 Ford Escort panel van on Saturday at a roundabout at Miami on Queensland's Gold Coast.
The panel van was hit with such force that it flipped onto its side, partially ejected an 82-year-old man. He suffered chest injuries and later died in hospital, while his 72-year-old partner sustained abdominal and leg injuries and remains in a critical condition.
A police media spokeswoman said the Subaru, carrying five occupants, was unregistered and the 18-year-old driver disqualified from driving.
Police also confirmed to the Bulletin that the car and its owner were known to them, having been impounded on November 13 for 48 hours for hooning offences.
Witnesses to the accident told the Bulletin they were disgusted with the youths' behaviour, saying not one of them attempted to help, and instead sat and ate McDonald's that had been dropped off to them.
"They just stood there and then they sat down and then someone dropped Maccas off to them," local resident Fabian Atzori told the Bulletin.
"What is it with young people where they can just turn off to human injury?"
A passenger of the Subaru was charged with failure to provide information to police, and three other Subaru occupants were handcuffed but not charged.
Sergeant Brendon O'Reilly said the crash investigation team were still investigating the crash to determine whether the Subaru was speeding at the time of the accident.”

Scary

2008-11-11T15:30:00.000+10:00

Fingers politically correct story reminded me of something that happened to me a while back.

I was 18 and living in America and was returning for a holiday in Oz.

My 14 year old sister and I were travelling together on a flight from Denver to LA and 2 young and very dodgy looking middle-eastern guys sat near us.

As we were taxiing to the runway, they stood up and rushed over to the emergency exit door right in front of us and started fiddling with it.

The hostie told them to sit down but they ignored her and continued on to hang up some sort of scroll on the exit door.

My sister and I shit ourselves, turned to each other and thought ‘This is it!’

Hurriedly they laid some inscripted towels on the floor, knelt on them and started praying.

The hosties were now yelling at them and I felt like telling the hosties “don’t fucking upset them!”

They eventually finished their prayers and returned to the seats, leaving behind several rows of frightened passengers and two shit-scared young Aussie kids.

One of the most terrifying moments of my life.

Lucky I had my brown undies on….

I'm Back!

2008-11-10T12:51:00.004+10:00

I've been in :

and :

for :

and :

Today is….

2008-11-07T10:46:00.001+10:00

....National Convenience Store Workers Day.

As usual, a big prize of sweet fuck all goes to the first person who can guess why.

Always check your child's homework.....

2008-10-17T10:26:00.001+10:00

What is the world coming to?

2008-10-16T11:10:00.001+10:00

I picked up the paper this morning and within 1 minute read two items that left me shaking my head and once again asking what is the world coming to? :

No.1 – The state government has banned Christmas decorations on street signs and street lights.

WHAT A FUCKING JOKE!

Why is the government banning it? Because they are “too distracting to drivers”….
However, the hypercritical government are still allowed to have their adverts for the rail system hanging from the same street signs and street lights.

No.2 – All forms are football – including touch football – are now going to be banned from being played at lunchtime at a school on the Gold Coast. Even soccer - the girliest, sookiest, most feminine game in the world - is going to be banned.

WHAT A FUCKING JOKE!

First there was the girls in Far North Queensland who were banned from doing hand-stands and cartwheels, now this.

This country is going to be left with nothing but a bunch of sooks if these governments keep introducing pathetic rules such as this.

What a fucking joke!

2008-10-09T11:59:00.001+10:00

What is the world coming to?

A FORMER soldier says he will disregard an order by a council in south-east Queensland to lower his Australian flag, after a neighbour complained it was ``offensive''.
A Logan City resident erected a five metre flagpole eight weeks ago to honour friends who served in Iraq.
On Tuesday, council staff at Logan City just south of Brisbane contacted him to tell him a neighbour had complained and was told he could face legal action if the flagpole was not removed.
``I find it astonishing that anyone could find the Australian flag offensive,'' he said.
"My family and friends have served for the country and the very least I can do is have a flag to show my appreciation for Australia.''
A Logan City Council spokeswoman said there was concern the flagpole could fall down in high winds.
She said he needed a building permit, because the pole was only 4.5m from the kerb and, under the Queensland Development Code, it should be at least 6m from the front.
He said he would not be moving the flag.
``I can't see how moving the flag back a bit is going to stop it being offensive,'' he said.

SurferCam’s Mottos

2008-10-02T11:39:00.000+10:00

Over the years, I have lived by the following mottos :

- Be the Shepherd, not the sheep.

- Expect the unexpected.

- Why put off until tomorrow, when you can put it off to the day after tomorrow.

- A fussy man is a lonely man.

What are some of yours?

I don't trust them

2008-09-24T12:41:00.000+10:00

“The student gunman who killed 10 people at a Finnish school before fatally shooting himself in the head worshiped war, hated mankind and lived alone with his cat.”

I’ve never trusted guys who like or have cats.

I’m on the hunt.

2008-09-17T09:58:00.000+10:00

Over the past year a dozen or so of the blogs I read daily have disappeared, committed blog-suicide or worse still – gone private without including me!

So, I am on the hunt for some new blogs to stalk and I need your help.

Can you please recommend some good blogs that I should be reading daily, and feel free to boast about your own blog too.

Things I look for in a blog – not too many words, lots of pictures, nudity is a plus and comedic value will be praised.

Let’s see how we go.

Mud Map

2008-09-16T14:59:00.003+10:00

[ click on the photo to enlarge ]

Wow!

2008-09-10T14:59:00.001+10:00

No posts in over two weeks!
Must be a record.

So, what has happened in the past two weeks you ask?

SWEET FUCK ALL!

Not one wants you!

2008-08-26T10:28:00.000+10:00

I’m sure I have bitched about this before, but it really shits me.

Today the Australian Olympic team returned to Australia for a big Welcome Home celebration.

There was the Prime Minister, as he should be.

There was the Premier, as he should be.

There was the head of the Australian Olympic Committee, as he should be.

And there was the leader of the Opposition.

Wait. Why? Why was he there? Why?

No one voted for you, (and no one likes you) you’re not the leader of this country, you’re only the leader of the political party that is not in power.

I’m sure that in most other countries they don’t have their PM / President at something like this AND the other bloke comes along. You never hear of the opposition leader in other countries.

What a joke.

And of course who pays for him to be chauffeured there and back and every other cost you can think of? You and me of course.

If someone can explain to me why the opposition leader has to attend everything the Prime Minister attends, I’d really like to know!

P.O.D.

2008-08-25T15:13:00.000+10:00

Anybody else suffering from P.O.D. (Post Olympics Depression)?

Or are you glad it’s all over?

Can't Post.

2008-08-19T15:30:00.002+10:00

Too busy.
Watching Olympics.
Addicted.
Wish it was on every year.

GO AUSTRALIA GO!

No shit!

2008-08-14T09:40:00.002+10:00

As if they needed to do a scientific experiment to find this out.... Also I think Dr Munafo needs to throw his ethics out the window.

“Beer Goggles” Increase Attractiveness

A few stiff drinks really does make other people appear more attractive, according to researchers who say the alcohol makes us think about sex.

A test on drunk university students has scientifically proven what was common pub knowledge - that drinking improves the appearance of those around you.

A team from the University of Bristol in England conducted a controlled experiment on 84 young heterosexuals, getting half of them tipsy on a drink and asking all of them to rate the attractiveness of people in photographs.

Both drunk men and drunk women rated the faces as being more attractive than did those who were sober, according to New Scientist magazine.

Surprisingly, the effect was not limited to the opposite sex, as drunk volunteers also rated people from their own sex as more attractive.

Dr Munafo said he wanted see whether the "beer goggle theory" still applied when a person was so drunk they could no longer focus on a face, but he was constrained by study ethics.

Up Front

2008-08-11T10:58:00.000+10:00

I like to read about interesting people, not celebrities or wankers, but just your average ordinary people.

I guess that’s why I blog and enjoy reading other people’s blogs.

My favourite newspaper – Saturday’s Sydney Morning Herald – has a section called Up Front where each week a noteworthy person is interviewed using the same questions each week.

I will never be in the paper, so I just thought I’d ask myself the same questions that appear in Up Front.

My earliest memory was…. being 3 years old and finding a toy car in the sandpit of our new house – it was like finding treasure!

At school I…. never wanted to be there.

My first relationship was .... when I was 4, and she lived across the road – very handy. There’s even photos to prove it.

I don’t like talking about…. past girlfriends to a current girlfriend.

My most treasured possession is…. a box in the garage with book and movie ideas, photos and memorabilia from my childhood.

My mother always told me…. be kind to your mother.

I wish I had… enough money to retire. At 33 I could live everyday without ever going to work again and would never be bored.

I wish I hadn’t…. had those last 5 beers every time I go out for a big night.

My most humiliating moment was…. aged 7, showing off to my (female) cousins and split my pyjama pants…

My happiest moment was…. the day my baby girl was born. Nothing will ever beat that!

At home I cook…. rarely, because I get home too late. Otherwise various dead animals on the bbq and a fantastic Mexican Salsa.

My last meal would be…. Couple of green-label Dos Equis beers, beef carpaccio, bottle of Penfolds 389, 1 kilo steak with peppercorn sauce, side of Caesar salad, sticky-date pudding with fried ice-cream and several liqueur coffees.

I’m very bad at…. singing and getting distracted.

When I was a child I wanted to…. be older. I couldn’t wait to grow up

The book that changed my life was…. “The Firm” by John Grisham, because it got me into reading books.

It’s not fashionable but I love…. my cowboy boots that I got when I was living in America.

Friends say I am…. funny and moody.

The song I’d like played at my funeral is… “If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and / or “All I want is you” by U2.

If only I could…. retire.

The hardest thing I have ever done was… go through my parents split up.

What I don’t find amusing is…. that in such a modern world, there are still starving children.

The last belly laugh I had was…. watching the movie “Old School” – very funny!

I’m always being asked…. for directions. Whether here in Australia or overseas when even I am lost. People most see me as a friendly looking person.

Cat or dog… I hate cats.

If I wasn’t me, I’d like to be…. a Formula One driver – I’m not a rev-head, I just think it would be a wonderful and glamorous life that pays loads of money.

At the moment I’m listening to…. old CD’s – Pearl Jam, Nirvana and U2.

My favourite work of art is…. a drawing of an angel my daughter made for me last week.

My worst job was… four and a half horrendous shifts at McD’s

I often wonder…. how I will make enough money to afford a Porsche 911

Feel free to copy these questions and post them on your site with your answers – will be interesting to read your comments.

The Friday Fuckwit

2008-08-08T09:22:00.002+10:00

Triple J (Australian alternative radio station) has a segment they play every Friday called The Friday Fuckwit.

It’s a segment where the DJ’s get to vent their frustrations at people or things that have pissed them off during the week.

So here’s my list :

Smokers - people who all go downstairs for a smoke and then pile back in the lift with you and you then have to choke on their stinky smokers breath in a confined space.

The Local Council – for doing road works on the only two major roads leading from my work to home.

Sydney Morning Herald – for posting a very blurry photo of Nicole Kidman’s new baby. Surely there is something more newsworthy than that. (see Sarah’s post on this)

Paparazzi – for annoying the shit out of Nicole Kidman and her new baby.

The NRL – Sonny Bill has gone, get over it.

Who do you nominate?

(This may become a regular weekly post, but after my last two posts received no comments at all, it probably won’t)

Wife

2008-08-07T09:13:00.003+10:00

Geez I love coming home to see my wife ready to go.

Although I do wish she’d keep her shoes off the new lounge!

This is because we lost on Saturday nght...

2008-08-05T12:23:00.002+10:00

Two Kiwis, Ian and Grant are walking down a street in Bondi. Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair'

Ian says to his pal, ' Grant, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.

Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint.'

'No worries, smiled Grant, I'll keep my mouth shut.'

They go in and Ian says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand , aren't you?'

'Well... Yis,' says a surprised Ian. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'.

Is there a god?

2008-08-04T11:51:00.000+10:00

Is there a god?

Sometimes I really wonder.

I’m not a religious person by any means. I don’t know who or what to believe in.

Two wonderful people that are very close to me and my family are extremely ill.

And if I was to name two of the kindest, most unselfish and loving people, these two would be in the top five.

Both of them are generous, loving, thoughtful people and above all, are quite religious too.

So it begs the question – is there a god?

And when you see what’s happening to these two, you really start to wonder.

Bye-Bye

2008-07-31T14:33:00.000+10:00

“Starbucks cites problems at home and an under-estimation of local coffee culture for closures.”

Yeah, the local Australian coffee culture likes good coffee, not that watered-down, extra-milky crap that you take 10 minutes to make.

Now every other coffee shop owner in Australia will be rubbing their hands together.

Shame so many people are going to loose their jobs.

Apparently...

2008-07-30T10:04:00.000+10:00

Apparently if I was the greatest soccer player in the world, and was earning $300,000 per week, I too could have one of these…

Shame I hate soccer..

Post No. 350 !!!!

2008-07-29T10:17:00.002+10:00

Wow 350 posts of crap, nudity, jokes, randomness, stories, views, opinions and absolute drivel.

And over 14,000 hits.

Not bad for a site that sells nothing, gives no advice, provides readers with no valuable information and won’t change or save the world.

Thanks to everyone who has contributed over the past 2 years.

And thanks to those who secretly read this blog, but never comment – I know you’re out there…

Something happened!

2008-07-28T09:31:00.000+10:00

Nothing interesting has happened to me over the past few months, that’s why there has been nothing to write about, hence how crap this blog has been.

But that changed on Saturday night.

My sister and her husband are back from London for a few weeks and Saturday night we threw her a surprise 30^th birthday party.

Feeling fluey and wanting a quiet night, my intentions were good to have a few beers and head home early.

The night also coincided with the Wallabies (Australian Rugby Union team) playing, and thumping! our arch rivals the All Blacks of New Zulland!

One thing led to another, and when one thing leads to another, trouble is normally just around the corner.

After telling the pink mafia that I would be home straight after the rugby, say 10pm, do you think I was surprised when I returned home at 3am to find the front door locked, the spare keys missing, 15 missed calls on my mobile phone, and the dog inside while I was outside?

Umm, no not really.

Isn’t the first time, but I hope it is the last time. I hope I have finally learnt my lesson.

Dying...

2008-07-25T09:21:00.002+10:00

It’s come to my attention that this blog is seriously dying in the arse.

Other bloggers have cut me from their recommended blog lists and many have just stopped commenting.

Actually, I’m surprised anyone has ever commented and did so for so long – I should be happy!

But I’m not.

Anyway I’ll power on over the next few weeks and try to come up with some interesting posts - even if it is just nude pictures, hey Scorp! Scorp? Are you there?

And if I can’t get my shit together, it will be time to move on and say goodbye to you all.

Cheers. Have a good weekend. Now, where's that bottle of tequila....

Business Ideas

2008-07-23T10:57:00.000+10:00

Anybody out there in BlogLand got any good ideas for an internet business?

I’m over what I’m doing and want to get into some sort of internet-related business.

Let me know your thoughts.

ps. And don’t say anything about Porn either – I’m sure it’s all been done in that industry…

Back to Blogging...

2008-07-16T10:31:00.000+10:00

Right. I'm back.

Where was I…

Time to get back into the real (blog) world.

And what better way to start, than with a kiwi joke…

50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a "Kiwis Are Not Stupid" Convention. NZ Prime Minister Helen Clark says, "We are all here today to prove to the world thet Kiwis are not stupid. Ken I hev a volunteer."

Former All Blacks player Carlos Spencer gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Helen asks him, "What uz fufteen plus fufteen?"

After fifteen or 20 seconds Carlos says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then all 50,000 Kiwis start chanting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Helen says, "Well sunce we've gone to the trouble of gitting 50,000 of you un one place end we have the world wide priss end global broadcast media here, I thunk we ken guv hum another chance."

So she asks, "What uz sivven plus sivven?"

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!"

Helen is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh - everyone is disheartened. Carlos starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwis begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance...What uz two plus two?"

Carlos closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Kiwis jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream...

"GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Italy Post No.2

2008-07-14T10:07:00.000+10:00

Best Meal – Florence – veal with whole-grain mustard sauce and asparagus. Every single mouthful was followed by “oohhh” and “ahhh”. The meal that night was over $170 for 2 adults and 1 monkey, but well worth it.

Best Surprising Meal – Biella – a few hours before my mate’s wedding, a few of us stumbled around the little town looking for a restaurant. My mate walked into what an only be described as ‘someone’s living room’ but was actually a ‘restaurant’. The owner/chef/waiter could speak about as much English as we could Italian. So with no menus and a major communication breakdown, all 5 of us ended up in the kitchen pointing at what we wanted for lunch.

What came out were several different types of outstanding pastas. And cheap – cheaper than any Italian restaurant in Australia and much better. Oh yeah, the hardcore techno-music playing in the background was an added bonus…

Best Beer – Santa Margherita – a one-litre stein of Nastro Azzurro that cost me about A$24…. (and no, I didn’t even get to keep the stein…)

Best Wine – Rome – some Italian chardonnay that the waiter (an Aussie girl from the Hunter Valley) recommended. Was soooo good. And was very impressed when she ‘accidentally’ poured too much into my glass and gave me a big smile to go with it…

Italy - Post No.1

2008-07-08T13:58:00.001+10:00

Italy was fantastic. It was everything I thought it would be and more. I have never eaten so much in all my life. If I didn’t walk several hours every day, I would have had to buy an extra seat on the plane for the trip home.

If you care, or if you are thinking of going to Italy, here are the places we stayed at / visited :

Milan – everyone dresses like they have just stepped out of an Armani catalogue. It is amazing. And no matter how much you try and dress up, you never look as good. Probably the most expensive place we went.

Biella – little town at the foothills of the Italian Alps. Great place but was only there for my mate’s wedding (which was unbelievable – every woman’s dream wedding).

Lake Como – I’ve have travelled a fair bit in my life and this is probably the nicest place I’ve ever been. The scenery and the surrounds are so unbelievably perfect that it doesn’t look real. It looks like a movie set and I had to pinch myself every half hour.

Santa Margherita – on the western coast of Italy. Hotel was right on the water. Wasn’t happy about paying Euro14 (A$22) just to use a bloody deck chair at their own hotel where we were paying about $350 per night. Town was very busy but it was our gateway to the Cinque Terre and Portofino – both great spots.

Portofino – nice little village on the coast. Quite famous and quite expensive.

Vernazza – great little village on the Cinque Terre coast. Much better than Portofino.

Lucca – great old walled-city. Very nice, only spent a few hours there.

Tuscany – second best to Lake Como. Once again so amazing it didn’t seem real. Amazing country-side full of vineyards and crops.

Siena – another amazing walled-city. Would like to stay there next time.

San Gimignano – another very old town, bit touristy but worth a look.

Florence – really nice place. Enjoyed this the most out of the big cities.

Rome – very busy, full of tourists, mainly Americans. Was too hot to do anything when we were there – 38 and 39 degrees for 4 days straight. Did see the Colosseum which was truly amazing and we stayed only 50 metres from Trevi Fountain (if you’ve seen one fountain, you’ve seen them all…).

If I did it all again, and if possible, I’d probably do it in a different order. I’d start with all the big cities and all the sight-seeing (Rome, Florence etc) at the start, and then do all the laid back places (Como, Tuscany etc) at the end.

Ciao!

I’m back….

2008-07-02T17:17:00.000+10:00

… and not happy about it at all.

If you need me, I’ll be sulking in my bedroom….

Ciao

2008-06-02T11:03:00.000+10:00

“Ciao” as in goodbye, not hello.

This Wednesday, SurferCam, the Pink Mafia and the Monkey are off to Italy for 3 weeks of well deserved holidays and gorging ourselves on food and wine.

(If I don’t come back 20 kilos heavier, it will be a miracle!)

Won’t be thinking of you.

Ciao!

Three Queues

2008-05-28T11:57:00.000+10:00

Maybe there should be a third queue - Q3 - for old people.

But then having a third queue just confuse those ‘special people’ in Q2...

So I think we need to introduce an usher to guide those people into Q2 and Q3.

All the usher needs to do is ask “Do you know what you want?” and if the person stumbles, queries or has to think for more than 5 seconds, then they are ushered into Q2 and Q3.

Two Queues

2008-05-26T12:22:00.000+10:00

On the weekend I was stuck in line for nearly 15 mins at the hardware shop while some idiot paid for some items with cash and some with credit, then argued over a plant that she thought was $2.99 when in fact is was $3.29.

It was about when I was ready to give her 30 cents and tell her to ‘hurry the fuck up’, that I came up with this idea - there should be Two Queues everywhere you go.

There should be a queue for those who know exactly what they want and are not going to be difficult. Let’s call it Q1.

And then there should be a queue for all the idiots in the world, those who have no idea and those that want to cause trouble. And we’ll call this Q2.

Here are just some examples – I’m sure you can add to this list…

Bar / Nightclub

Beer, or anything “and coke” = Q1

Everything else = Q2

Café

Flat white, Latte, Espresso or Cappuccino = Q1

Anything that starts with or contains “Mocha”, “Soy”, “Frappe” or “Skinny” = Q2

Takeaway

If you are by yourself or ordering something simple like a Burger or a meal deal = Q1

If you have more than 1 kid with you = Q2

The person at the rugby union the other night, who after standing in the queue for over 5 mins, started deciding what she wanted, only when she got to the front of the queue = Q2.

Monday Funny

2008-05-19T15:48:00.002+10:00

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too,' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.'

On order

2008-05-15T08:35:00.002+10:00

This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.

It is much more beautiful than any half-, semi- or completely naked woman that has ever appeared on this site.

I want one.

Only in ........ Australia

2008-05-13T12:36:00.000+10:00

"A Northern Territory driver has been fined by police after he strapped a seatbelt around a carton (case) of beer but left a five-year-old child to sit on the floor of his car.

Four adults occupied the car with two in the front and two in the rear seats.

The carton of beer was buckled safely in the rear centre seat between two of the adults, while the five-year-old boy crouched on the floor."

At least he had his priorities right.....

WARNING : Boring Post Ahead...

2008-05-09T13:55:00.000+10:00

Apologies for not posting of late – I’m sure all 3 of you have missed my daily ramblings…. Ok maybe not.

Work has been chaotic and stressful to the point where it is pretty much all I can think about.

Apart from work, all I seem to do is eat, sleep and drink.

Therefore nothing interesting to post about, unless you want to know what I ate for breakfast this morning, or how many beers I had last night.

SurferCam will be back soon…. I hope….

My New T-Shirt

2008-05-02T14:20:00.001+10:00

I won Lotto!

2008-05-01T10:00:00.000+10:00

On Tuesday night, there was a $40 million Lotto draw.

I had a ticket in it and came up with 5 winning numbers!

Yes 5 numbers!

OH
MY
GOD

I’m going to be rolling in it!

Thousands!

Hundreds of Thousands!

I can retire!

No, I won $40.35….

Work - Part II

2008-04-28T14:13:00.000+10:00

If I could do any job in the world, it would be a Formula 1 Racing Car Driver – I’m not a rev-head, but I just think it would be a cool job to have and you’d be travelling the world, earning squillions and fighting off models, pit-girls and promo chicks with your gearstick and helmet…

What would be your dream job?

Work

2008-04-21T10:38:00.001+10:00

I don’t like work.

Never have, and I don’t think I ever will. It’s not that I am lazy, I’m not, I’d just much rather be doing other more interesting things like traveling, writing, surfing, reading, painting or even more simpler things like going to the pub or the beach.

Come to think of it, I did have one great job. It was in London, working for the best bosses imaginable, and apart from one sour bitch, worked with an awesome crew.

You can remain anonymous if you like, but I’d like to know what some of you people out there do for work AND more importantly, do you enjoy it.

The Differences...

2008-04-17T12:18:00.002+10:00

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other
as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even
though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they
want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument..

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite
foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Inconsiderate

2008-04-16T09:34:00.001+10:00

Chateau SurferCam is on the market at the moment.

There are some kiwis who have moved into the street and although they are renovating their house, they have turned it into a industrial area with scaffolding, paint tins, drops sheets left all over the place during the past year and a half.

Last Friday, they put up a new brick fence that will be painted and/or rendered.

And as soon as it went up, for a bit of a “laugh”, they have graffiti-ed it in spray paint with “funny” sayings and shit like “choice bro”.

The only problem is, 5 days later, it is still there and they haven’t painted and/or rendered over it.

So when potential buyers of my house drive down our street, they first have to drive past the kiwis graffiti-ed fence before they get to my place.

Nice way to add value to the street you FUCKING KIWI WANKERS!

Father of the Year

2008-04-14T09:05:00.000+10:00

For all the times I have not been warranted as a potential Father of the Year candidate, I made up for it all in one hit on Saturday.

I took the Monkey to High School Musical – Disney on Ice.

For those who do not have daughters, High School Musical is an American phenomenon – an annoying, painfully politically correct, over-acting, singing and dancing high school movie American phenomenon.

The Pink Mafia normally takes Monkey to these things but this time I had was dragged along kicking and screaming.

And it was a matinee so I couldn’t even get on the beers!

Five minutes into it I was wishing I was at home being violently ill.

IT WAS HORRENDOUS!

I tried to fall asleep but the music and singing was driving me INSANE!

I wanted to rip my ears off and eat them so I wouldn’t have to listen. But then what would I do about my eyes?

The Monkey kept asking me “Daddy why aren’t you clapping?” I couldn’t tell her the real reason so I just smiled at her through clenched teeth.

Worst part of the whole show – they finished with a big finale and the actors waved to everyone in the crowd.

THANK

FUCKING

GOD

THAT

OVER!

And then the announcement that brought tears to my eyes.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, the High School Musical team will be taking a short break and then we’ll be back with the second half.”

OH FUCKING NO!!!!!

SECOND HALF!

FUCK NO!

About 40 minutes later the excruciating torture was over and I was the happiest man alive.

Like when the shark came at me back in January, I’ll be having nightmares about this for a long time to come…

Hilarious

2008-04-10T09:14:00.002+10:00

I normally don’t post links to websites or videos etc, so when you see me post something like this, you know it’s worthwhile…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcbIMNhghVI

Bunch of Morons

2008-04-09T09:27:00.000+10:00

I hate protestors as much as anyone does.

But these latest protests over the Olympics torch relay are just ridiculous.

I don’t agree with what the Chinese government has done to Tibet, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to go and make a complete arse of myself like these wankers have done in the UK, France and most likely Australia, when it comes here.

Reasons they are idiots :

1. It’s the Olympics – it’s about sport, coming together, competing for your country and putting aside political indifferences for a few weeks.

2. Was Iraq booed at the Athens Olympics? No, they were cheered for putting aside all the troubles in their country, and proudly competing for their country.

3. One of the main concerns of these protestors is the violence in Tibet.

What about the violence they are imposing on these people carrying the flame! One poor woman nearly had her arm ripped off when an idiot protestor grabbed the torch. She then nearly copped the full flame of the torch in her face!

4. Is putting out the Olympic flame going to bring justice to Tibet? No, I don’t think so.

5. What about the actual torch bearers – these people have been chosen to carry the flame through their city because they have contributed to society. What have these protestors contributed? Fuck all I bet, apart from being a nuisance.

If I had contributed something to society, other than this shitty blog, and was able to be a torch relay runner, I’d make sure that if one of those pathetic protestors came near me, I’d use the torch as a light-sabre – Luke Skywalker style – to belt them around their head and then put the flame out in their face!

Bring on the Olympics!

Free Tibet!

Tragic

2008-04-08T12:34:00.001+10:00

Addicted viewers and voyeurs of this blog, will remember a few months back when I was chased by a shark - apparently a 3 metre Tiger Shark - that subsequently scared the absolute fucking shit out of me.

(New readers or those who have forgotten, can click here and here to read about it)

Well unfortunately this morning, a young bloke was attacked and killed by a shark less then 2 kilometres from where I had my little run-in.

Poor bugger.

I try not to think that that could have been me back in January.

Boring....

2008-04-07T11:57:00.000+10:00

I haven’t posted much lately – I’m sure you have noticed.

There just hasn’t been much going on lately, and therefore nothing worth posting about.

I blame it on too much work and not enough play.

Apart from all that, I am going to Italy in June for 3 weeks.

Let me know any suggestions of where to go and where not to go.

Ciao!

Very VERY Disappointing News

2008-03-31T10:07:00.000+10:00

I heard some very disappointing news on TV this morning.

Celine Dion nearly gave up her singing career.

Add it up!

2008-03-27T11:05:00.001+10:00

In my building, on several floors, is Centrelink (for all those playing at home outside Austral-ya, it’s a government agency for welfare, unemployment and social security payments etc).

I have posted before about some of these weirdos – I’m talking about the people that work there, not the people that need help.

In recent weeks I have found another strange thing.

Most of the people that work there carry around an access card to enter the offices – fair enough. But also included in the little clear pouch attached to their belts, are calculators.

And this is not a one-off occurrence – I think nearly all of them carry these calculators.

So the question is – WHAT THE FUCK FOR?

Do they walk around the office and have their calculators ready just in case of a mathematical emergency? Are they that desperate or stupid that they must carry a calculator on them at all times? I can't work it out.

I would however like to run up to one of them one day screaming –

“Quick! What’s the square root of 1,352,122? Quick! Quick! Quick! I need the answer now god damn it! Fucking hurry up!”

WTF!

2008-03-25T10:12:00.002+10:00

Anon pointed out this comment in one of my recent posts.
If you ever complain about getting spam comments on your blog, you may think again after trying to decipher this gibberish...

Click here and scroll down to the comment from Anonymous.

Then scroll down to see how long the comment is!

Bizarre!

Sorry........

2008-03-20T13:18:00.001+10:00

New Employees

2008-03-17T09:15:00.001+10:00

There is nothing better than turning up to work on a Monday to find that some new employees have been hired to assist you around the office.

I’m sure they will fit in very nicely…

Friday Funny

2008-03-14T08:52:00.002+10:00

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!'

'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her!

She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off! .

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this Less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.'

I know it's early in the year....

2008-03-11T13:16:00.002+10:00

.... but I've found what I want for Christmas...

All the best Mate.

2008-03-10T10:58:00.001+10:00

Last Friday was the 9^th anniversary of the death of a mate of mine.

While I was bitching about what a shit week I’d had at work, I should have been reflecting on how lucky I really am.

Nathan and I went to school together for just one year in 1992 - our final year at school - and then rarely saw each other until early in 1999.

Although we didn’t hang out together that much at school, I knew he was a fantastic guy who was loved by everyone and there’s no one that would have ever said a bad word about him. He was a talented actor, musician and general nice guy.

Around the end of 1998 / start of 1999, he happened to move in with one of my best mates and one weekend we all ended up at a bbq together. It had been a long time since I’d seen him and it was great to catch up.

By sheer coincidence, I was at Byron Bay the next weekend and ran into him again. None of my mates or his wanted to go for a surf, so he and I did. We had a great surf together and enjoyed each others company a lot. It was bizarre – I had barely seen Nath in the past 7 years, and now I had seen him two weekends in a row.

A few days later he died.

He was tragically killed in a car crash coming back from Byron to the Gold Coast.

Alcohol was not a factor and it seems he fell asleep at the wheel on a notorious stretch of highway that has thankfully since been rerouted – too late for Nath, but not too late for others.

I drive to Byron quite a fair bit, and every time I pass near where he was killed, I always think back to those couple of weekends we shared together.

On top of all the usual reasons, I particularly found his passing extremely sad because it had only been a few days between when we were surfing and laughing together, to when I was sitting in the church looking at his coffin.

It was hard to comprehend.

It’s still hard to comprehend.

All the best mate.

This is the longest title I have ever created to go with the shortest post ever posted.

2008-03-07T16:49:00.002+10:00

Work Sucks.

It's been a week since I've posted??

2008-02-29T08:55:00.001+10:00

Shows how mentally busy I've been.

Speaking of mental.... (you may have to click on the image to read it all)

13 Days

2008-02-22T11:29:00.001+10:00

I was wondering how long it would take until “God” entered our house.

And it was 13 Days.

You see, the only decent schools near us are private and are all extremely religious. The public schools near us are as overcrowded as a Bali prison, with similar conditions and inhabitants...

So we sent the heir to the SurferCam fortune off to her new school.

And 13 days later, she asks her Daddy, who is about as religious as Satan’s nephew,

“Daddy, who is God?”

I looked around for some help, but was home alone (I am playing Mr Mum this week, which is a whole other post) and so there was no one to say “Go ask so-and-so..”

I thought of distracting her and wanted to respond with, “Oh honey, I think The Simpsons has started!” but chose not to.

Luckily after staring at my dazed face, Monkey carried on, “My teacher says that God is everywhere and looks after me.”

“Yes that’s right honey,” I said, then added, “I think The Simpsons has started.”

A few hours later, I heard Monkey singing, “God is good, God is great..”

Only 13 more years to go….

Get ready to squirm ladies…

2008-02-20T10:32:00.000+10:00

Don’t ask how I ended up finding these two articles below, but when you go searching the internet and you often end up in weird places…

My favourite parts below are the “nearly painless” comment and the bit about the 3 and half inch needle going probably where it shouldn’t….

Vaginal Rejuvenation Surgery

A one to two hour outpatient procedure, called posterior repair or vaginoplasty, will reduce internal vaginal mucosa, which tightens the canal. This can help increase muscle tone, control and strength, and potentially increase pleasurable friction during intercourse.

After vaginal rejuvenation surgery, a patient can walk within a few days and can return to sexual activity in four to six weeks. It is important to remember that vaginal rejuvenation surgery cannot cure sexual dysfunction or increase desire. This surgery may not be covered by insurance, and complications such as bleeding or scarring are possible.

G Spot Amplification

The G-spot, named in honor of Dr. Ernst Grafenberg, is a small, cushiony area on the anterior wall of the vagina. Dr. Grafenberg and others claim that this area, when stimulated, can lead to increased sexual pleasure. Some experts remain unconvinced that the G-spot exists, however.

A new, non-surgical technique has been developed to temporarily enlarge the G-spot, in order to potentially increase sexual pleasure and orgasms. Dr. David Matlock invented and patented The G-Shot, which achieves these results with a collagen injection.

The procedure is relatively simple and nearly painless. First, the patient assists the physician in locating her G-spot. This position is measured and recorded for future use. A topical anesthetic is applied to the vaginal wall, where a three and one half inch long needle administers the human collagen into the G-spot. This causes the G-spot to expand to the size of a quarter, but does not inhibit sexual activity or the use of tampons.

After four months, the collagen is harmlessly absorbed into the body. As with other cosmetic genital procedures, the G-Shot cannot cure sexual dysfunction, and some side effects can occur.

Slogan T-Shirts

2008-02-18T14:17:00.001+10:00

Someone somewhere with absolutely nothing better to do in their life, was getting their undies in a knot on the weekend about slogan t-shirts, in particular those worn by women. And their beef was that some of these shirts incite rape. How I am not too sure.

Yes some of these shirts are crude, but most are funny and in good taste.

And as someone who has been toying around with his own slogan t-shirt company (yes, me! Go to www.rusher.com.au), I’m all for it.

So if that someone is reading this blog, here’s one of my favourite female slogan t-shirts :

Dear Teachers,

2008-02-15T09:36:00.001+10:00

Dear Teachers, would you please be kind enough and step into the REAL WORLD!!!

The other night I went to my first ever Parent / Teacher night.

The first hour was spent with teachers telling us about themselves and the school. Which also involved many many many PowerPoint presentations on crap that no one was paying attention to. At one point I nearly stood up and said “can you just print that off and give it to the parents who give a shit.”

I knew the night wasn’t going to go well before I even got there. Reading the invite it said “Parents must be there at 7pm sharp.” Only teachers would ever say something like that.

At the start of the proceedings the junior school principal looked at his watch, then tapped it and commenced the night with “if anybody has a watch like mine, then they will know it’s 7 o’clock and it’s time to start.”

Are you kidding me?

I think teachers need to realise that us adults don’t go to school, so don’t treat us like kids.

And where else in the world do you hear the words “compulsory attendance” and “your presence is mandatory”?

Only 13 more years of this shit to deal with….

Stay at home Dad

2008-02-13T11:22:00.000+10:00

A fellow blogger was airing her grief’s about being a stay at home Mum and I thought, what would my daily routine be if I was a stay at home Dad.

1. Wake up, make breakfast for me, wifey and kid.

2. Make lunch and pack bag for kid.

3. Put a load in the dishwasher and washing machine.

4. Drop kid at daycare / school.

5. Go for a surf.

6. Lunch at the pub and a few beers with the other stay at home Dads.

7. Put a few bets on the horses and/or dish-lickers.

8. Use the winnings to pay for dinner.

9. Pick up kid from daycare / school.

10. Go home. Tidy house. Unpack dishwasher. Hang out clothes.

11. Order takeaway for dinner.

12. Dinner arrives 10 mins before wifey.

13. Dinner is on the table as wifey walks in the door.

14. Have dinner and bottle(s) of wine.

15. Put kid to sleep.

16. Check Form Guide for tomorrow’s races.

17. Go to sleep excited that I get to do it all again tomorrow!

Where do I sign up for this gig!

Friday Art

2008-02-08T08:57:00.001+10:00

For Scorpy...

True Love

2008-02-06T08:44:00.000+10:00

[ click on pic to enlarge ]

I don’t have to tell you guys…

2008-02-05T10:34:00.000+10:00

… but there are some weird people out there…

My house is on the market (went to auction on Sunday but didn’t sell. What a waste of fucking time.)

Therefore I am looking to buy another house.

So after not having much luck with real estate agents, I decided to do a letterbox drop and write a letter saying I am not a real estate agent but I am looking to buy a house in the area.

I dropped this letter off to nearly 400 houses, and it wasn’t a complete waste of time as I have got about 6 phone calls so far.

Last Thursday I had 3 missed calls from a local number. Then they left a message and this is the exact message left by some bizarre old woman :

“I got you letter about buying my house. I’m in (couldn’t understand what she said) Street. It’s not on the market but you can buy if for $700,000.”

And that was it. That was the entire message. No name, no number, no hello or good bye, no ‘call me back’. Nothing. And apart from that, I didn’t drop off any letters to any houses worth anywhere near $600,000, let alone $700,000…

About half an hour later I missed another one of her calls and then she called back again. This time I answered and this is the exact conversation :

SurferCam : Hello Cameron speaking.

Bizarre Old Woman : I got you letter about buying my house. It’s not on the market but you can buy if for $700,000. [click]

And she hung up on me.

Before I even had a chance to say yes or no or anything.

Weirdo. Thankfully she hasn't called back..... yet!

Munday

2008-02-04T09:51:00.000+10:00

Are Monday mornings the most depressing part of the week or what?

Friday Funny

2008-02-01T10:58:00.000+10:00

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked
about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.00.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

Today I feel old….

2008-01-31T09:47:00.000+10:00

Very old.

As my baby girl is starting her first day at school. Prep to be precise, which is the year before Grade 1.

Between the uniform, hat, backpack, socks and sneakers, you can barely see her.

Unbelievable.

I think I am in shock. I need a whiskey or something….

Australia Day.

2008-01-29T13:39:00.001+10:00

I’ve never been a big celebrator of Australia Day.

Not because I don’t want to or don’t ‘believe’ it in.

But I celebrate EVERY day as Australia Day.

For instance, on this past Australia Day, I did the following – went to the beach with the family, beers with my mates at the pub, got sunburnt, had a barbie, had a bet on the horses, lost money on the horses, won money on the horses, wore my thongs, boardies and t-shirt from sunup to sundown, watched Australia play sport on TV – and that is what I do EVERY weekend.

I do love Australia. And as someone who has spent nearly 5 years living overseas away from Australia, it makes me appreciate it even more.

Good on ya !

Friday Funny

2008-01-25T14:36:00.001+10:00

Wow! 300 Posts and still going….

2008-01-23T11:15:00.000+10:00

…. strong-ish… sort of….

Who would have thought – over 10,000 hits and 300 posts of fun, humour, sadness, stupidness and banality.

Thanks to all those who have contributed over the past year and a half.

Thanks also to those who have chatted via email outside of blog world.

I wish I could buy all of you a beer to celebrate!

I’ve be Tagged!

2008-01-22T14:29:00.000+10:00

The lovely Miss Natalie has Tagged me – my first one ever (I think…)

The rules: List 7 random facts (your choice) and then tag seven people at the end.

( I won’t be tagging 7 other people because I think everyone has already done this before).

1. When I was 20 and lived in Dallas, Texas, I bought a pot-bellied pig as a pet.

2. The sound polystyrene makes when it is touched, sends me crawling up the wall. Even the sight of it gives me chills.

3. I can’t understand why people hand-wash dishes in the sink, when there is a $1000 dishwasher right next to them.

4. When I was about 6 years old, I was swept off some rocks into the ocean and nearly drowned. I have a fear of surfing near, around or over rocks.

5. By the end of 2008 I will most likely be out of a job. I have to start deciding now what I will be doing from 2009 onwards.

6. I would like to live in a small village in France or Italy for a year or so, and indulge in the culture, wines, food and language.

7. I hate shaving every morning for work. When / if I become my own boss, shaving will be a once per week chore – if that!

I don't normally...

2008-01-21T11:33:00.000+10:00

.... but here is a link that everyone should go to.
Takes 30 seconds.

If you want to stop whales being killed for 'research',

then Sign this:
www.whalesrevenge.com is trying to get a million people to sign a petition to stop whaling.

Friday Funny...

2008-01-18T11:14:00.000+10:00

[ click on pic above to enlarge ]

First Kiwi-bashing of the year...

2008-01-16T16:17:00.000+10:00

A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

It pays to drink

2008-01-15T11:23:00.001+10:00

A week ago, it was decided that I need to start two diets – a Food Diet, and an Alcohol Diet – because SurferCam was bulking up… and it wasn’t the off season.

The Food Diet was easy – cut down on fatty foods, cut out snacks, cut down on the quantity of food, and eat more fruit and vegetables.

The Alcohol Diet was not so easy – cut out all alcohol during the week and drink less beer on weekends.

The Alcohol Diet was re-written on Day 2 – cut out all beer during the week. This means Rum, Vodka, Gin and Wine are all ok during the week, and beer was to be consumed on weekends only.

The Alcohol Diet was re-written on Day 5 – the weekend starts on Friday afternoon, thus allowing beer consumption on Fridays.

So, I’ve improved my eating habits out of sight, dramatically cut my alcohol consumption, and what happens???

I get fucking sick!

Woke up Saturday morning with the flu. First one in 6 months.

And I put it all down to the reduction of alcohol consumption.

I think it pays to drink. Cheers!

Not sure if I'm going to hell for this but ....

2008-01-14T11:29:00.000+10:00

... the Pope is WRONG!

An article last week on the Sydney Morning Herald’s online site states “The sport of Beckham and Kewell is crucial in teaching honesty, solidarity and fraternity, Pope says.”

Now let’s analyse this :

Honesty – diving, faking injuries, and acting is not being honest. Pretending to be tripped in order to receive a penalty is not teaching honesty. Maradonna’s ‘Hand of God’ was one of the biggest acts of dishonesty ever in sport.

Solidarity – most of the time when one of these prima donnas scores a goal, he usually run away from his team mates and is often seen pushing away his team mates when they get to close. Sorry, no solidarity there.

My Hero

2008-01-11T17:01:00.000+10:00

My Hero

… and each day I grow more and more to look like him….

People / Things I am sick and tired of seeing or hearing about :

2008-01-09T14:03:00.000+10:00

David Beckham – get over yourself and play a real sport.

Beckham’s wife – ugly and annoying.

Britney Spears – hot but tragic.

Amy Winehouse – go to McDonald’s and have a feed.

Olsen Twins – join Amy at Macca’s.

Nicole Kidman’s pregnancy (already) – she’s pregnant, get over it.

Fergie – your music is crap, bit like your bloated face.

Lindsay Lohan – hot but obviously an idiot.

Indian Cricket Team – you know you are dodgy, conniving lying bastards.

US Election (already) – no one cares Down Under.

Please feel free to add to the list – I am sure there are many MANY more!!!

Brown Undies – Part II

2008-01-08T11:28:00.000+10:00

A surfer mate of mine informed me this morning that he could have told me about the shark out there – “it’s a 3 metre long (10 foot) Tiger Shark – and it’s been there for years”

The day it happened, I think I might have been a bit to blasé about the whole incident. But yesterday, and even more so today after my mate told me that information above, I think it was actually a bit more serious than I first thought….

Brown Undies

2008-01-07T08:40:00.000+10:00

Yesterday, my girls were in Sydney and so I had the day to myself.

Knowing that the surf was small and murky (from all the rain) here on the Coast, I decided to head down south just to get away and maybe have a surf.

I checked out my favourite spots around Lennox Heads and stopped at Flat Rock. The water everywhere was very brown and murky due to all the massive rain and flooding we've had.
Everyone was surfing the rights on the northern side of Flat Rock, which was big, about 6ft to 8ft faces but not that good. Over to the south side of Flat Rock, out front of the camping grounds, was an awesome left that was big and very clean, but there was not one single person out surfing it. As you know, this is never a good sign if the locals aren't surfing what looks to be a good wave.

A guy came in and I chatted to him and he said it was alright. He then pointed to the south side and said it looks good there. I agreed but asked how come there was no one out there. He didn't know.

Anyway I left and checked out several more spots down to Ballina but ended up back at Flat Rock.
I was checking out the waves and got chatting to a guy about my age and we agreed that the south side looked good but couldn't work out why no one was there. He was from Townsville so none of us had local knowledge.
"I'll go out there if you're keen" I said. Terry agreed and I paddled out and he came out about 5 minutes later.
The paddle was epic and after 20 minutes, and just as I thought I could see our cuzzie bro neighbours in New Zealand, I finally made it out the back. I was a long way off shore and had already drifted about 500m down the beach.
The water was very murky, to the point where I was sitting on my board and I could not see my feet! And for most of the time I laid on my board as I wasn't game to let my feet dangle down in the water. There were logs, whole trees, plants and all sorts floating around.

Once I got my breath back I took off on a really good size wave and paddled back out.
My new best mate Terry caught one too and was inside.
Out of nowhere, about 10 metres in front of me, a black fin popped up and headed straight towards me, dead straight towards me, with bow wake coming off the fin. It wasn't a dolphin and was definitely a shark. With the water so murky I couldn't see how big it was - all I could see was a fin coming towards me and coming fast!
I fucking shit myself, being about 300 metres from shore and having a fucking shark heading straight towards me.
I spun around and paddled my guts out, continually looking back over my shoulder to see where it was. Terry saw the look on my face and didn't need to be told what was happening. He started paddling before I pointed and yelled for him to paddle in.
I paddled like I have never paddled before, to the point where I couldn't feel my arms and my neck hurt from trying to look behind me while paddling flat out. My heart was thumping out of my chest. It was the scariest fucking feeling ever!
I finally got near Terry and he's asking me what kind of shark and how big it was. I couldn't talk as I could barely even breathe from exhaustion. But if I could I would have said "Who fucking cares what type and how big - it's a fucking shark!"
After what seemed like an eternity, I made it close into shore, then realised I was in a gutter and remembered how people have been attacked by sharks in only one metre of water. So I paddled my guts out again.
I finally made it to shore and nearly kissed the sand.
I realised that both Terry and I had only caught one wave each and after such a mission to get out there in the first place I said to him "Sorry to cut your surf short" to which he replied "No worries, I'm glad you saw it and not me"
"Right, I'm going to the pub now to have some beers to calm the fuck down!"

Later Terry got talking to a local up at the car park and told this guy what had happened.
"Oh yeah," said the local, "there's a big tiger shark that hangs around out there."

Where the fuck was he an hour ago!......