Poll of the Year!

Last week, the following Poll was undertaken on a well known Australian news website:

Would alcohol warning labels reduce your drinking?

Yes: 7,699 (16%)

No: 41,841 (84%)


Well done Australia!

Are we a bunch of piss-heads or what!

Happiness is...

...being hungover at work and finding a random packet of Nurofen hidden in the bottom of your drawer.
If only there was also a kebab and a bottle of coke...

In the Lift No.2

There are already 2 guys, and 2 girls in the lift when I get in.

Skanky Blonde Chick : This lift smells funny. *** Then screws up her ugly face ***
Surfercam: ***sniff, sniff – no it doesn’t ***
Random Guy: Yeah
SBC : Smells like Dettol or something.
Surfercam: ***sniff, sniff – no it doesn’t ***
SBC : Smells like a Chemist. Or even worse a Dentist. Oh gag!

Doors open up and I follow Skanky Blonde Chick outside and what’s the first thing she does? Lights up a cigarette.

Can’t stand the smell of Dettol but quite happy to fill her lungs full of tar and smoke…

Terrorist at the Airport

If I won a Million Dollars…

… to be blown irresponsibly on toys and holidays etc :

Porsche 911 $200,000
Porsche 356B $ 60,000
Lotus Elise Roadster $100,000
VW Toureg $135,000
Audi RS4 $165,000
Surf Trip to Fiji with mates & their Girlfriends / Wives etc $100,000
Ski Trip to the USA with mates & their Girlfriends / Wives etc $100,000
Jet Ski $ 20,000
Cannondale Bike $ 5,000
Clothes $ 20,000
Beer & Spirits $ 10,000
Don Bradman Baggygreen $ 30,000
New Surfboard Quiver $ 5,000
Artworks $ 25,000
Plasma TV & Entertainment System / Theatre Room $ 20,000
CD’s & DVD’s $ 5,000
TOTAL : $1,000,000

First I just have to remember to give the newsagent the right fucking ticket…

Who is the biggest idiot in the world?

Me.
Yesterday I bought a Lotto ticket for last night’s Lottery.
Would I be sharing in $12million?
Would I never have to go to work again in my life?
Would I be driving a new Porsche this time next week?
The answer – No!
Why? Because I am a fucking idiot.
Yesterday afternoon I checked last Wednesday’s Lotto entry.
“Nah, nothing mate,” said the newsagent and I didn’t bother getting the ticket back.
No fucking wonder I didn’t win. I gave him the wrong ticket to check, the one that I had only bought that morning. The Lotto hadn’t even been drawn yet!

How do I know? Because today when I went to check last night’s Lotto draw, all I could find in my drawer was last weeks ticket. The penny dropped like the Twin Towers.

So, my dilemma:
(a) do I go to the newsagent where I bought yesterdays ticket and explain what a moron I am and see if they can doing anything about the ticket?
or
(b) cut my losses, save some dignity….

The answer is (b). I’m not running out of money, but I am running out of dignity…

First Kiss

So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:


Is it the right time?


Is anyone watching?


Does your partner even want to?


Is your breath fresh?


And...


Should you use some tongue?






Then you lean in and just go for it!!!

Brazillian Desperately Needed

This girl needs a Brazillian desperately!

Who do we thank?

If yesterday we thanked the Lord, who do we have to thank for these?

1. Terrorists
2. Un-Australian People
3. Windy rainy cold shitty days
4. Mayonaise
5. Celebrity / Paparazzi Magazines
6. Rude people
7. Germaine Greer (also see numbers 2, 6 & probably 1 & 9)
8. Tax
9. Saab Drivers
10. Australian Idol

Thank the Lord!

As I meander through random Blogs, I am quite surprised by how many Blogs have either religious undertones or are completely fucking religious.

Rest assured, you won't find any of that on my site.

However, I would like to thank the Lord for the following items:

1. Boobs.
2. Alcohol, specifically Beer.
3. Sport.
4. The Ocean - for surfing.
5. Women, especially Strippers, Hookers & Porno Stars.
6. Mates.
7. Boobs.
8. Food.
9. Boobs.
10. Alcohol.

Amen!

Is it Summer?

If it’s not already Summer, today should be the start of it.
It's awesome outside and this morning it was great to see that all the girls had dusted off their sneakers and got out the Lycra and were out and about walking, jogging, rollerblading etc.
Made the trip to work much more enjoyable than normal.
And of course being the Gold Coast, there had to be at least one lady with her fake boobs out.
The guy behind me nearly crashed as he drove past her.
Yes, she was stunning.
Yes, I nearly crashed too.
God bless her!

You know its summer when:
1. Surf is flat.
2. Girls are out parading everywhere in next to nothing!
3. Bikini's are acceptable clothing anywhere.
4. Smell of suncream - had to cake the Monkey in it this morning.
5. Oh yeah, it's hot and sunny.

Drink of the Day : Calimocho

Drink of the Day : Calimocho
100mls of Red Wine
100mls of Coca-Cola
Served over ice in a plastic cup - must be a plastic cup!

Don’t knock it until you’re tried it! again… and again…. and again….
The red wine gives you that nice ‘pissed’ feeling and the Coke stops from falling asleep.

Birthday No.32

Got the Havi’s and a few other cool things, so I'm a very happy little vegemite.
No “Eraser” CD, so that will be my present to myself.
No Gullwing, or Porsche(s), No Elle, Lara, or cricket bat, and the stomach is definitely not flat..
However, the day is still young… Maybe Elle or Lara might jump out of my birthday cake tonight… or better still, waiting in my bed when I come home pissed tonight!

Happy Birthday to Me

It’s my Birthday tomorrow and here is my Birthday Wish List:
- Anything at all from Wish List No.1.
- Pair of white Havaianas with Aussie Flag – to replace those my dog ate.
- Thom Yorke (Radiohead) “Eraser” CD.

Fairly simple really…. Oh yeah, and World Peace and all that too…

I’ll let you know how I go and what I get.

Duck

A duck walks into a bar and says, "Got any bread?"
The barman says "No."
The duck says, "Got any bread?"
The barman says "NO!"
"Got any bread?"
"I said N-O, NO!"
"Got any bread?"
"For crying out loud - N-O spells NO, and I mean NO!"
"Got any bread?"
"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO"
"Got any bread?"
"Look, if you ask me one more fucking time if I've got any bread, I'm going to nail your fucking beak to the bar!"
"Got any nails?"
"No."

"Got any bread?".....

In the lift

There are four of us in the lift : me, two other guys and a guy I call the Dirty Little Bogan.
The Dirty Little Bogan looks like he has just stepped out of 1984. His grey greasy ringlet perma-frizz hair matches his grey shirt, dark grey leather tie (yes, leather tie) and slacks. This is his standard uniform that he chooses to wear each day. You can just tell he’s a Bogan.
The two guys are having a conversation about cars.

Guy 1 : I’m thinking about getting a new car.
Guy 2 : Oh yeah, what are you looking at?
G1 : A Prado
Dirty Little Bogan : **snigger, snigger **
G2 : Oh yeah, is that a Toyota?
G1 : Yeah
DLB : **snigger** Don’t you mean “Toy Motor?” **snigger, snigger **

G1, G2 and myself just stare at him like he is some sort of idiot.
Luckily the lift door opens and the Dirty Little Bogan, still sniggering to himself, hops out at the Centrelink floor. Off to waste some more taxpayers money for the day.

Wish I was here....

The Naughty Gingerbread Man

Fat People & Diet Coke

What is it with fat people and Diet Coke?
They need to realise that just because it’s called “Diet” doesn’t mean its going to make them thinner…

Who's Moving In?

There is a vacant office next door that is currently being fitted-out.
The tenants that are hopefully moving in, are (in any order):
1. Modelling Agency
2. Some sort of agency where lots of hots girls go to
3. Casting agent for Porno Movies
4. Porno Photographer
5. Miss Indy promotions
6. Alcohol distribution company
7. Recruitment company for Secretary’s only
8. Some Bikini company’s new Head Office
9. Victoria’s Secret new Head Office
10. Tanning Salon

I'll keep you posted....

Getting to know Me

Someone sent me one of those “getting to know your friends” emails last weekend.Here is my response after a rather LARGE NIGHT OUT…

1. WHAT TIME DID YOU GET UP THIS MORNING? 12:30pm, so not really morning… it was a big night last night…
2. WHAT TIME DID YOU GO TO BED LAST NIGHT? Does passing out on the couch count, if so, then somewhere between 1am and 3am.
3. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA? Chicken Little with Monkey.
4. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVOURITE TV SHOWS? Simpsons, Little Britain, Spicks & Specks.
5. WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST? 2 Nurofen, Lemon-Lime Gatorade and a packet of Burger Rings (the only things I can keep down when really hungover).
6. WHAT IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME? Joffles
7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CUISINE? Mexican, Italian & Japanese
8. WHAT FOODS DO YOU DISLIKE? Fish, Yoghurt & especially Mayonnaise – nothing that white should be edible – Plus I’m pretty sure it comes from Elephants…
9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE POTATO CHIP? Salt & Vinegar.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CD AT THE MOMENT? Radiohead “Kid A” or iOTA Live EP.
11. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE? Honda CRV … and a Mercedes-Benz 300SL Gullwing (when I’m asleep at night…)
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SANDWICH? Ham, Cheese, Mango Chutney & fresh cracked black pepper. Obviously no Mayo.
13. WHAT CHARACTERISTICS DO YOU DESPISE? Rudeness.
14. FAVOURITE ITEM OF CLOTHING? Dallas Harlequins Rugby Union t-shirt that I’ve worn so many times it’s see-through (just how the chicks like !).
15. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD ON VACATION WHERE WOULD IT BE? Mexico, again, or Skiing in Colorado, again.
16. WHAT IS IN YOUR CAR? Surfboard, CD's, deck chairs, dog leash, empty beer bottle(s)...
17. FAVOURITE BRAND OF CLOTHING? Used to be Cult… I prefer unique clothing.
18. WHERE WOULD YOU WANT TO RETIRE TO? Lennox/Ballina.
19. FAVOURITE TIME OF DAY? 7pm – Work is over, drinking has started.
20. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? On a sheep farm in Victoria.
21. FAVOURITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Cricket, AFL, Rugby Union, Ice Hockey, Surfing.
22. COKE OR PEPSI? Coke, but preferably Vanilla Coke, or Coke with Jack.
23. WHERE WERE YOU WHEN DIANA DIED? Off chops in London (went to her funeral too).
24. WHERE WERE YOU WHEN 9/11 HAPPENED? In bed asleep, but woken by my sister in Greece. Couldn't believe what I saw on TV - still can't.
25. DO YOU HAVE PETS? Monkey and Boo
26. WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE? Baker, Farmer, Lawyer.
27. HAVE YOU EVER COME CLOSE TO DYING? Twice. Once when I was swept of the rocks at Greenmount Beach and nearly drowned. And once “Car Surfing” when I came off the roof and landed on my head.
28. FAVOURITE CHOCOLATE BAR? Timeout, Kit Kat.
29. BEST PICKUP LINE? Your eyes are the same colour as my Porsche.
30. WHAT ARE THE DIFFERENT JOBS YOU HAVE HAD IN YOUR LIFE? Tourist Retail Shop, McDonald’s (3 and a half shifts), picking up and washing golf balls from the driving range, worked at The Gap (USA), Merchant Banker, Investment Banking / Share Trader, Property Developer.
31. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVOURITE JOB? Merchant Banking in London – I think we drank more than we worked…
32. WHAT COLOUR UNDERWEAR ARE YOU WEARING? Aussie Flag Boxers!!
33. TATTOOS? No, no tough stickers for me.
34. PIERCING? None.
35. EYE COLOUR? Blue, same as my Porsche…
36. FAVOURITE ICE CREAM? Vanilla Bean with smashed M&M's.
37. LOVE SOMEONE SO MUCH IT MADE YOU CRY? Yep.
38. FORD OR HOLDEN? Holden.
39. BEEN IN A CAR ACCIDENT? Yes, apart from backing into a parked trailer yesterday.
40. FAVOURITE DAY OF THE WEEK? Friday arvo and all day Saturday.
41. FAVOURITE RESTAURANTS? Corsetti’s in Paddington (Sydney), Jack’s Burger House in Dallas (USA), Chuy’s (Dallas), Uncle Julio’s (Dallas) and Hooters (anywhere)!
42. FAVOURTIE CAFE? Little Beans at Nobbys and a little one (forget name) in Double Bay.
43. FAVOURITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT? Taco Bueno (USA), Burger Street (USA).
44. FAVOURITE BAR? Café Boheme (London).
45. FAVOURITE BEER? Local – Carlton Draught. International – Dos Equis (Mexico) and Jupiler (Belgium).
46. FAVOURITE SPIRITS? Absolut Vanilla, Absolut Citron, Crown Royal Canadian Whisky.
47. FAVOURITE NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Coffee – Iced Coffee & Flat Whites.
48. FAVOURITE COCKTAILS? Morning – Bloody Mary, Lunch – Margarita’s, Dinner - Martini.
49. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES? Blondes, but I’m not fussy.
50. SKIING OR SNOWBOARDING? Skiing.
51. SURFING OR BOOGIE-BOARDING? HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa Surfing of course!
52. FAVOURITE HOLIDAY? Twice skiing in Colorado with my best mates, a long weekend in Biarritz, France and Cancun, Mexico.
53. WORST HOLIDAY? Christmas 2004 – rained, no surf, all of us got sick with the flu – fucking awful! And we weren’t even in the Tsunami.
54. LOW POINTS IN LIFE? Arriving in London for 2 years with almost no money and then my wallet got stolen on the second day. Parents separating. Girlfriends leaving me. Pet dog dying. My 32 year old neighbour dying last year, and I barely knew him.
55. HIGH POINT IN LIFE? No.1 - When my Monkey was born. Finishing Uni. Becoming a Trader. My bonus last year.
56. WHICH STORE WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO MAX OUT YOUR CREDIT CARD? Harrods in London – because a can of baked Beans is about A$10, so it wouldn’t take long…
57. WHAT DO YOU DO MOST OFTEN WHEN YOU ARE BORED? Drink Beer, search the Net.
58. LAST PERSON YOU WENT TO DINNER WITH? The Pink Mafia & The Monkey
59. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? JJJ and me typing.
60. IF THERE WAS ONE THING YOU COULD CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD IT BE? My looks, I’m far too good looking.
61. HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE YOU SENDING THIS EMAIL TO? None, but the whole world will see it as it’s going on my Blog.

Wish List No.1

- 1955 Mercedes-Benz 300SL “Gullwing”
- 1957 Porsche 550 “Spyder”
- 1955 Porsche 356 “Speedster”
- Lara Bingle
- Elle Macpherson
- Don Bradman cricket bat actually used by The Don.
- Carlton to win the AFL Premiership sometime soon.
- Wallabies to smash the All Blacks in every game.
- In fact, Australia to smash NZ in every sport there is, plus soccer.
- To be able to drink beer and have a six pack stomach.
- Australia to beat England by 1 run in each Test Match of the Ashes.
- Australia to beat England by 1 run in every one-dayer this summer.
- A son and heir to the vast SurferCam fortune (and debt).

Indonesian Mathematics

Yesterday, an Indonesian idiot was sentenced to “8 years for aiding the triple suicide attacks that killed 20 people and injured 200.”

So, let's do a bit of Indonesian Mathematics :

Bali Nine : 1 kilo of Heroin which could kill junkies = 20 years in jail or Death
Schapelle : 4 kilos of Pot which couldn’t kill anyone (plus it wasn’t strapped to her body like the Bali nine) = 20 years in jail
Indo Idiot - Aiding suicide bombers that kill 20 innocent people and injured 200 more = 8 years in jail

Therefore, according to my grade 6 level of maths, in Indonesia it is better to carry out terrorist activities which deliberately kill and injure, than it is to be a drug mule which may cause junkies to overdose.

The Dougalman (RIP)

You're going to be sadly missed by many...

Poor Schapelle

“The Federal Government has again told Schapelle Corby's lawyers that no airport security footage exists of her or her bags on the day she flew out of Australia.”
Fucking useless.
Whether you believe Schapelle is innocent or not, it just shows you how fucking useless the Government and our national security is. Can anyone seriously believe that in this day and age, Brisbane and Sydney airports, have no security footage of that day?
If it was a terrorist they were searching for, I bet they’d find those ‘missing tapes’ within minutes. Imagine if after September 11 the US came out and said, “Um, er, der, um the security footage, um, er, has gone missing.” I don’t think so.

I think it’s pretty obvious that if a baggage handler did plant the drugs, than they could easily make some security tapes ‘disappear’.

Dear Schapelle,
On behalf of our fucking useless government, I’d like to apologise, but unfortunately it’s not my place to do it.
Someday, somehow the truth will come out.
Cheers,
SurferCam

10 out of 10 Performance

10 out of 10 Performance goes to one of my best mates who got married on the weekend.
He was so hungover – the most hungover EVER, according to him – that at 6pm he was on the couch with a few of us, sucking back double Berocca’s and iced-water.
Nice work mate!

Kids Books that never made it