Cadel Evans – you Legend!

Congratulations to Cadel Evans (on left) – the first ever Australian to finish on the podium in Le Tour de France.

After 3 weeks and 3,547kms of cycling in and around France, Cadel came second by only 23 seconds – the second closest margin in history.

An almighty effort mate, well done.

Just because....

it makes a mockery of how stupid they look...

Am I the only one?

Am I the only one out there that hasn’t read a single word of any of the Harry Potter books?

I think I might have to start some sort of self-help group….

Please let me know if there are others out there like me.

Kylie, Robbie & Elton

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams & Elton John were walking over a bridge.

Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.

With a couple of sideways glances, Robbie pulls down her knickers and shags her senseless.

He stands back. "Your turn", he tells Elton.

But Elton starts crying.

"What's up?" asks Robbie.

Elton sobs, "My head won't fit between the railings!"

SurferCam is getting Fat(ter)

I usually blame the washing machine and dryer for my clothes shrinking.

But on the weekend I couldn’t blame anyone for my wetsuit shrinking, because it doesn’t go in the washing machine or the dryer.

I thought I was going to have to Vas-up just so I could get into it.

I just managed to squeeze into it but it was not a pretty sight.

I looked like a condom full of walnuts.

Therefore I think I am going to have to do one of the following :

(a) Diet

(b) Exercise

(c) Cut down on beer consumption

So it looks like it’s (a) and/or (b)….

Double Post! Double Update!

1. Doh! A deer. A dead deer.

Nature lovers look away now. Yep, they shot the poor deer. They followed it for 20kms along roads, along the beach, even in the surf and canals.

Then they shot it.

2. Man Beast.

I walked into the daycare centre this morning to see if the Man-Beast had taken down the photo of the All Black and what did I see?

She was wearing an All Blacks jersey!

Felt like saying “I didn’t know they made them that big” but I didn’t.

GO THE WALLABIES!!!

WTF !!!

Am I dreaming?

Am I tripping out?

Am I going crazy? Seeing things?

Is this one of those acid-flashbacks I was warned against?

Am I in a Tooheys New ad?

What exactly DID they put in this coffee?

This morning at about 8:30, while sitting with a mate at a café less than two blocks from the beach, I saw the strangest thing I think I have ever seen.

There was a massive Reindeer running down the Gold Coast highway.

I stood up and shouted “Holy shit! There’s a bloody Reindeer running down the road!”

A few people thought that I was completely out of my skull and ignored me.

My mate wasn’t sure what to think so I made him look for the Reindeer as it dodged the cars on the highway. I was hoping he would see it so that I wasn’t going completely bonkers.

“Oh shit! There IS a Reindeer! I see it!” he said.

Thank fuck for that. I am normal.

After see that Tooheys New ad with the Reindeer, I was hoping the heavens would open up and it would start raining beer….

It’s not something you see every day up here that’s for sure. I wouldn’t even know where the hell it came from.

And if I had seen a big fat man in a red coat and white beard chasing it, I wouldn’t have been surprised.

A great Australian sporting moment….

[ CLICK ON PHOTO TO ENLARGE ]

3 months until Indy starts!!!

NZ Phone Sex

I seem to be having a week of kiwi-bashing...
So one more day won't hurt...

Inappropriate

This morning I took the Monkey to her childcare centre.
The ‘woman’ or should I say ‘man-beast’ on reception is a huge and very unattractive woman in her early thirties.

Now I am no oil painting myself, but I do my best with what I’ve got.
As for her, she has a haircut like a bloke, is built like a bloke and has more earrings and nose rings than I can count.
To make matters worse, she a bloody kiwi!

As I forked over several hundred dollars in childcare fees so that the CEO of this listed childcare company can purchase another Ferrari and pay for his bogan haircut (I think you know who I mean), I noticed a picture of an All Blacks (New Zealand rugby union) player posted on the notice board. It was obviously posted by her as she is the only kiwi in the centre.

Comments I felt like making, but chose not too (you never know what they might do to the Monkey while I’m not there – like try and eat her!) :

- Why have you got a picture of All Black on the wall? (obvious question)
- It's not very professional is it.
- Do you really think a picture of a footballer is appropriate for a Childcare Centre?
- Is that there for inspiration for you?
- Are you still hoping to play for the All Blacks in September (World Cup)?
- Umm, what country are we in?
- If he wasn’t playing rugby, he’d probably be in jail.
- Can you please take it down – it’s not a good image for young Australians to aspire to.

I can feel like the Man-Beast and I are going to clash heads at some point in the near future...

Under Pressure.

I just bought a packet of 12 condoms.

The Expiry Date on the pack says : June 2008

I don’t think I can handle that sort of pressure…

Hooray!!!

New research to be revealed at a conference of some of the world's top neuroscientists in Cairns has found booze does not kill off brain cells as previously thought.

But wait, there’s more :
“In moderation, alcohol has positive benefits for blood vessel health.”

If you don’t believe me, read this.

I’m off to get hammered!!!

Don’t die wondering…

Yesterday I was having a quick beer at the pub and was watching some of the horse racing.
There was an important race on and I had a really strong feeling about a horse that was running in it – it was a real outsider.

However, I realised that I only had $2 left in my wallet and wasn’t going to get any cash out. And I thought it would be a bit scummy if I went up and asked for $1 each way on a horse.

I watched the race and guess what – the fucking horse won!

If I had put $1 each way, so that’s $2 all up, I would have won about $46.
I still feel sick about it this morning.

Moral of the story – it’s better to lose $2 than to not win $46…

Double Post!

No.1 – Le Tour

On Saturday, the greatest annual sporting event kicks off : Le Tour de France.

Best of luck to the Aussies:
- Cadel Evans – who has a chance at winning it.
- Michael Rogers – who has a chance at winning it.
- Robbie McEwen - who has a chance at winning the Sprinter’s Jersey
- Stuart O’Grady - who has a chance at winning the Sprinter’s Jersey
- Simon Gerrans
- Brett Lancaster



No.2 – Mossy

Kate Moss must have been reading my blog, in particular my post on her and her drug-fucked boyfriend.

Apparently she has just left him…

Who left who?

Salman Rushdie and his wife have just split up.

I bet Salman wasn't the one who instigated that.....!!!

Bit scary really...

When I heard on Sunday about how there was a terrorist attack on Glasgow Airport I joked ‘what are they going to do next, blow up the Gold Coast Airport* ?’

I said this because even if those idiots managed to blow up the entire Glasgow Airport, it still wouldn’t shut the world down.
It’s not like if they blew up Heathrow, or JFK etc.

However I wasn’t in a joking mood when I heard that yesterday a terror suspect, who had been working at the Gold Coast hospital, was arrested and questioned in relation to UK terror attacks.

It just goes to show that no matter where you are, there could be danger.

And I think the best example of that would have been the Bali bombings – I mean who would have ever thought that terrorists would blow up two dodgy nightclubs in Bali?

Bit scary really.

* Gold Coast Airport – is a very small airport with about 20 flights per day, only 2 gates and about 3 airlines that use it.

Testing

Saturday, after a long boozy lunch at The Balcony in Byron Bay, a mate of mine and I ended up in the Great Northern pub throwing down a few more beers.

Upon leaving the fine establishment, we found a breath testing machine on the wall.
We grab straws and blew into it and laugh and joked about who could get the highest score and how we were right to drive etc etc.

The legal limit in Australia is .050, so we wanted to see the result :
He = .100
Me = .075
The cops who were standing behind us in the pub and watching us the whole time = not impressed.

We quickly left after that…

Dear Kiwis,

If you find a sheep in long grass “just nice”, or eating a lamb chop is seen as “cannibalism”, PLEASE READ ON …..



WALLABIES 20 - All Blacks 15