What a shame...

Sponsorship

Companies I wish would Sponsor Me:
- Carlton United
- Penfolds
- Oporto
- Little Beans (local café)
- Niccolini’s (local Italian Restaurant)
- Aussie Home Loans
- Vodafone
- Billabong
- Qantas
- Mercedes Benz
- Porsche
- Riviera
- Tabcorp
- Bunnings
- Harvey Norman
- Hollywood Showgirls
- And any bank wishing to give me cash



Companies that probably SHOULD Sponsor Me :
- Jenny Craig
- Weight Watchers
- Alcoholics Anonymous
- Fitness First Gyms

To all those Americans out there...

No, we Australians don’t celebrate Thanksgiving on the weekend, just like we don’t celebrate 4th of July.
But if you think we should, please explain why.

Aussie Ingenuity

In keeping with the sporting theme, next time I attend the Cricket / AFL / Rugby Union / Jelly Wrestling, I am definitely taking one of these beer holders.
This invention would be second only to the Beer Wench in great Aussie-Beer-Transportation ideas…

Ultimate Cricket Sledging

With the Ashes starting today, I thought I would post the Ultimate Cricket Sledges.
Even if you're not a cricket fan you will find these pretty funny.
Enjoy!

Rod Marsh & Ian Botham:
When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the
wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife & my kids?"

Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne:
As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been
waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him.
"Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

Glenn McGrath & Eddo Brandes:
After Brandes played & missed at a McGrath delivery, the Aussie bowler
politely enquired: "Oi, Brandes, why are you so fat?"
Brandes : "Cos every time I fuck your wife she gives me a biscuit!"

Robin Smith & Merv Hughes:
During 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to Smith after he played &
missed: "You can't fucking bat".
Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary:
"Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't fucking bat & you can't fucking
bowl."

Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad:
During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A
few balls latter Merv dismissed Javed.
"Tickets please", Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

Merv Hughes & Viv Richards:
During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to
Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries.
Viv : "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just
bowl."
Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say fuck off."

Ricky Ponting & Shaun Pollock:
After going past the outside edge with a couple of deliveries, Pollock
told Ponting: "It's red, round & weighs about 5 ounces." Unfortunately
for Pollock, the next ball was hammered out of the ground..
Ponting to Pollock: "You know what it looks like, now go find it."

Ian Healy and Arjuna Ranatunga (I)
Ian Healy's legendary comment when the fat Sri Lankan captain Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one-dayer in Sydney.
Heals : "You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c**t!!!"

Mark Waugh and Adam Parore
Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new player Adam Parore comes to the crease and plays and misses the first ball.
Mark - "Ohh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were shit then, you're fucking useless now".
Adam Parore - (Turning around) "Yeah, that's me & when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly slut & now I hear you've married her. You dumb c**t".

Glenn McGrath and Ramnaresh Sarwan:
McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan: “So what does Brian Lara’s dick taste like?”
Sarwan: “I don’t know. Ask your wife.”
McGrath (losing it): “If you ever fucking mention my wife again, I’ll fucking rip your fucking throat out.”

Ian Healy and Arjuna Ranatunga (II)
Yet another Australian witticism with this time porky Sri Lankan batsman Arjuna Ranatunga the victim. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump character to get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up, “Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it.”

Ravi Shastri and the Aussie 12th man
Shastri hits it to this guy and looks for a single…this guy gets the ball in and says, “if you leave the crease I’ll break your fucking head!”
Shastri: “If you could bat as well as you can talk you wouldn’t be the fucking 12th man”

Malcolm Marshall and David Boon
Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple of times. Marshall : “Now David, Are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?”

Fred Trueman and Raman Subba Row
Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip, and right between Raman Subba Row’s legs. Fred doesn’t say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly. “I should’ve kept my legs together, Fred”.
“So should your mother,” he replied.

Adam Parore and Daryll Cullinan
Because Cullinan is well known for being Warne's bunny, New Zealand keeper Parore greeted the South African, carefully playing the first ball from Kiwi Chris Harris, with a cry of: "Bowled Warnie!".

James Ormond and Mark Waugh
Ormond had just come out to bat on an Ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh...
Mark "Fuck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here? There's no way you're god enough to play for England".
Ormond replied: "Maybe not, but at least I'm the best cricketer in my family".

Tight as a Frog's Arse

The other night I bought some Indian food and it came to $45.00 less 10% because it was takeaway, so $40.50.
I had a $50 note and scratched around for some coins and got 45 cents.
I handed him $50.45, thinking that he would give me a $10 note in change.
“Do you have 5 cents?” he asked.
I said “No” and he gave me a look of, ‘oh don’t worry about it then’.
But no, he counted out $9.95 in coins and gave it back to me.
I mean seriously, he’s just given me a discount of $4.50, what’s another 5 cents.
5 cents today is like 2 cents a few years. Nothing.
Shits me.
Some businesses have no idea.

Idiot Protestors

What a bunch of idiots those G20 protesters are.
It’s days like that I wish I was a policeman so I could belt the crap out of some of those dimwits.
I heard some kiwi idiot protester was bitching about being hit by a police baton. What did he expect? They probably smacked him twice as hard when they realised he was a kiwi. I hope he gets deported.
Those morons were an absolute disgrace to Australia. They all should feel ashamed and I hope they choke on their tofu rolls and dreadlocks. I hope they cancel the dole on them as well.
Next time they all start all this shit, I might dress up as a policeman and go give the boys in blue a hand to belt some of these fuckwits back to the 60’s.
Get with the times.
Get a job.
Get a life.
Get a haircut.

(Apologies in advance to all the nice Kiwis, nice people with dreadlocks and tofu roll eaters ….)

Hiring II

This girl is showing commitment...

Hiring

My company is looking to hire a new secretary.
My vote is for this girl



My vote doesn’t count…

In the Lift #4

There is officially a weirdo working in my building and I had the pleasure of being in the lift with him.
He was about 30 years old, 6 foot, unshaven, looked like a fairly rough and rugged sort of bloke. Like you’d see on any typical Aussie building site, rather than an office building.
And then I noticed it – sticking out from his top pocket was one of those things the Asians connect to the top of their mobile phones. You know, those dangling things.
Well his had a picture of Madonna on it.
WTF!
Then I looked at the chain around his neck – also had a picture of Madonna on it and the word “Madonna” in gold underneath.
WTF!
Then I looked at his wrist and he had some sort of a band wrapped around his wrist with the word “Madonna” on it.
WTF!

Then I remembered where he got in the lift – the Centrelink floor.
Those fuckers will hire anyone...

Ronny Mac

A few years back, a mate of mine and his Uni mates stole several hundred garden gnomes, and one Ronald McDonald statue.
The gnomes and Ronny Mac lived happily in the garage of their Uni house until one day they left the door up and someone dobbed them in.
The police turned up and took the boys away and put them in the back of a paddy wagon (divvy van).
Along with the boys, they also brought out the statue of Ronald.
A construction site across the road had stopped to watch what was happening.
When the two police 'escorted' Ronald to the paddy wagon, one of the builders yelled out:
"About time you got that Ronald McDonald fucker!!"



After fines and hundreds of hours of community service, the boys eventually found it funny...

Can you see Jesus?

Monday's Suck

Monday's suck, and to make it even worse than every other Monday, I am sick.
That's all I can be bothered with today.

What's the point?

My mobile phone operator decided to reward me because I have spent so much money with them over many years.
For something a bit different, I chose to get a 6 month subscription to Ralph magazine.
I’m flipping through my first instalment and there’s lots of beautiful yet completely air-brushed girls with massive boobs all wearing next to nothing but still wearing something.
It seems like this magazine is a bit like diet-Playboy or Penthouse Light.
I don’t really see the point. It’s a bit like, non-alcoholic beer, caffeine-free cola, cigarettes, or decaffeinated coffee – what’s the point in any other these? You drink beer to get drunk. You drink coffee and coke for a kick. And cigarettes, well I just don’t get it. I can understand the boys from Nimbin, but I just don’t get the whole puffing on a ciggie thing.
If you want to look at sexy babes, buy Playboy, Penthouse or Hustler. At least you know that at the end of the spread, you won't be disappointed as she still has her clothes on.

Bucketing Down

It’s bucketing down here on the Coast today.
People here seem to freak out when it rains, like they’ve never seen it before, and drive at 20kph and run around like its going to melt them.

It’s days like this I wish I was a brickie or a roofer or some sort of job that is outside and gets called off because of the rain and you get to spend the day at the pub instead.
Although in a months time when its 35 degrees outside, I’ll be glad I’m sitting on my big fat arse in my big fat chair in my nice air-conditioned office.
But today I wish I was a brickie.

Other jobs I really wish I had:
1. Formula 1 Racing Car Driver – I’m not a rev-head, but I just think it would be a cool job to have and you’d be travelling the world, earning squillions and fighting off models, pit-girls and promo chicks with your helmet…

2. Investment Banker – I used to work for an Investment Bank and there was a guy there who was probably on $150,000+ a year, and all he seemed to do was take clients to lunch – that would be a great job, and I think I’d be pretty good at it.

3. Professional Sportsman – Not a surfer. I love surfing, but if I was sent out in 20ft waves at Hawaii or Tahiti, I’d shit myself. Same if I ran out for the Wallabies and had one of those big All Black fuckers running at me.
I’d probably be more suited to ‘sports’ such as Snooker or Darts i.e. something in a pub, a sport where you can drink while you’re playing, and a sport where you don’t have to be exactly ‘fit’.

Guess who was at U2 last night....

I'm back....

...although you probably didn't know I was away.
Anyway, I have just spent a week "roughing it" in Noosa with all the other rich families from Brisbane. (a) I'm not rich; and (b) thankfully not from Brisbane.
The first night of my holidays - the first day I have had off in a year - was absolutely ruined by the inconsiderate English arseholes that stayed in the room next to us.
First of all, they came home at 11pm slamming doors that woke us up.
Secondly, they started slamming each other - sexually. And I don't mean a quick and quiet bonk, he absolutely hammered her and she went at it like she was trying out for a new role in Backdoor Bonaza III! And on and on and on and on it went.
It finally stopped.
Then Thirdly, they started slamming each other - physically!
With calls clearly heard through the wall such as "you fucking arsehole, you've broken my nose", "look at you, you deranged bitch, you've got blood and bruises all over you", and "you raped me you fucking bastard!" I had just a bit of trouble getting back to sleep.
I found her last comment about "you raped me you fucking bastard!" a little bit hard to believe, as only half an hour earlier she was moaning and groaning like I have never heard a woman moan and groan - not even in 'the movies'.
At midnight, we'd had enough and called front desk who called security.
Security finished their coffee and doughnuts and turned up at 12.30am - just as the lovers/fighters where having a 5 minute break between killings themselves.
At 1am, we called front desk who called security again. This time when security turned up, the lovers/fighters where in full force and security heard it all.
Security told them to shut up, and luckily they did.
I would like to have seen what security had seen.
The next morning we spotted them checking out early - before I had a chance to abuse the shit out of them.
The rest of the holiday was great - not being at work, not having to shave every day - I'm in heaven.