BEER VS. VAGINA

1.Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work. One point to BEER

2.Warm beer tastes awful. One point to VAGINA

3.A really cold beer is satisfying. One point to BEER

4.If after taking a swig of your favourite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. One point to VAGINA

5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here,depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.

6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere. One point to VAGINA

7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend. One point to VAGINA

8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer. One point to VAGINA

9. You normally don't find old beer. One point to BEER

10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen God. One point to VAGINA

11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun. One point to VAGINA

12. In most countries there's a tax on beer. One point to VAGINA

13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off. One point to BEER

14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can. One point to BEER

15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles down. One point to BEER

16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner,ale, lager,etc One point to BEER

17. You always know how much beer is going to cost One point to BEER

18. Beer doesn't have a mother One point to BEER

19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you drink it One point to BEER

FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 VAGINA: 8

Surfing at a Concert.

No not crowd surfing.
No not surfing the net.
But actual real surfing, on a surfboard, in the surf.

That was me yesterday, on ANZAC Day.

While Powderfinger where playing on the shore at Currumbin Beach on the Gold Coast, I was out surfing less than 60 metres from the stage and I could hear every word of every song.

My fellow surfers agreed that we had the best ‘seat’ in the ‘house’ and when would we ever get a chance to be surfing while listening to any band, let alone a band as awesome as Powderfinger.

That was the icing on the cake yesterday after getting up at 4am and going to the dawn service.

What a truly inspirational, emotional and deeply meaningful day ANZAC Day is.

I hope all you Aussies and Kiwis out there celebrated the day and also thought about what the day really means.

ANZAC Day

Tomorrow, April 25, is ANZAC Day.

For those of you outside of Australia and New Zealand, ANZAC Day is the most important memorial day for Aussies and Kiwis.

ANZAC (Australia and New Zealand Army Corps) Day is a memorial to a bloody conflict in Gallipoli, Turkey in 1915 where Australian and New Zealand soldiers were sent to the wrong beach by the British (yet another story), and faced a battle of certain death.

But now ANZAC Day is a day to reflect, give thanks, and pay tribute to all soldiers who fought in all the wars – WWI, WWII, Vietnam, Korea, Iraq and Afghanistan - and also to those who represented our country in peace-keeping missions to places like East Timor and Samoa.

So, I’d like to just say thank you very much to you all.
You served our country proud and have helped make this country, the best bloody place on earth! Well done!

If I were on Big Brother:

- I’d want to be voted out second (only losers get voted out first!) – so that no one would know me afterwards and I wouldn’t be classed as a C-grade celebrity for the rest of my life.
- I wouldn’t shower nude – no one needs to see that!
- I’d get drunk every night I was in the house.
- Once out of the house, I’d bitch about everyone still inside, even making up things about them.
- When I was evicted, I’d try and pash Gretel.

Disclaimer : SurferCam does not watch Big Brother.

Boo !

Because my Blog has been a bit boring lately, I'll just post a picture of my dog called Boo.
He's a bit bigger than this now, but this is when he used to be a good little dog....

SurferCam has been around....

I just found out my Passport has expired.

I went back through all the stamps and visas in the passport.

Here is a list of all the stamps and visas and it doesn't even include all the other places I visited whilst in the country:

Barcelona, Spain.
Biarritz, France.
Cancun, Mexico.
New York, USA.
Los Angeles, USA.
Gothenburg, Sweden.
Singapore, Singapore.
Dublin, Ireland.
Amsterdam, The Netherlands.
Brussels, Belgium.
Bali, Indonesia.
Nadi, Fiji.
UK Working Visa.
France Tourist Visa.
London Heathrow, UK.
London Gatwick, UK.
London City, UK.
London Stansted, UK.
Channel Tunnel, UK.
Sydney, Australia.
Brisbane, Australia.

Crap Music Store

I wandered into a music store in Surfers during my lunchbreak trying to waste some time.

Out of nowhere this weirdo crazy manager accosts me.

Weirdo Crazy Manager – Hi! What’s your favourite song?
SurferCam - * WTF! * *Stares at her blankly - Do I look like I am 15?*

WCM – Ok. What’s your favourite band?

SC – Why?

WCM – Because I’ll play one of their albums for you.

SC - Radiohead.

WMC – Sorry we don’t have Radiohead.

SC - *looks around* This is a music store isn’t it?

And I walk out.

What crap.

Although next time I’m looking for Barry Manilow or Nana Mouskouri, I’ll know exactly where to go…

I am STILL never drinking again.

It’s now Tuesday, 3 days after Saturday night, and I’m still not back to normal.

What’s wrong with me?

Maybe I need another drink….

I am NEVER drinking again!

My sister and her husband leave today for a few years in Europe.

Saturday night was his 30th birthday and their leaving do all rolled into one.

About 40 of us gathered at 5pm and by 3am there were still a few of us going. Including me.

Got home around 3.30am and I finally got out of bed at 5pm last night (except for a quick stint driving the porcelain bus)! And I only got out then because we had a family dinner for them to say goodbye.

My sister had her camera on Saturday night, and she showed me the photos last night over dinner - the ‘evidence’ was not pretty.

At the start of the night I was probably looking about 9 out of 10. But as the night wore on, I got uglier, fatter and more pale looking. The final few photos were not good and will be posted on the front door of my house to scare off burglars.

I am NEVER drinking again….

Unfortunately, it's true....

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYONE!

3 THINGS ABOUT ME

3 THINGS ABOUT ME

1. Three things that scare me:
Failure.
Anything bad happening to my pet Monkey.
Loneliness.

2. Three people that make me laugh.
Some of the random comments my pet Monkey comes out with.
The guys from Little Britain.
The Chasers.

3. Three things I hate the most
Mayonnaise.
Yogurt.
Rude People.

4. Three things I don't understand
How 300,000 tonne cruise ships don’t sink.
Rude people.
Smoking Cigarettes.

5. Three things I'm doing right now
Thinking.
Drinking coffee.
Typing this.

6. Three things I want to do before I die.
Parachute.
Threesome.
Own a Porsche.

7. Three things I can do
Make people laugh.
Come up with creative thoughts.
Come up with smart-arse responses.

8. Three ways to describe my personality
Funny.
Thoughtful.
Moody.

9. Three things I can't do
Draw.
Swim long distance.
Anything relating to gymnastics.

10. Three things I think you should listen to
iOTA’s album 'Hipbone Connection'.
My Monkey when she’s rabbitting on.
Me.

11. Three things you should never listen to
Australian Idol
That Dicko dickhead.
Any judge on any reality TV show.

12. Three things I'd like to learn
To speak Spanish.
To speak Italian.
To paint.

13. Three favourite foods
Indian.
Mexican.
Italian.

14. Three beverages I drink regularly
Beer
Water.
Coffee.

15. Three shows I watched as a kid
The A-Team.
Agro.
The Muppets.

16. Three things I'd rather be doing right now
Surfing.
Snow Skiing.
Anything but being at work.

Reason No. 398,656,923 of Why I HATE Soccer

“Manchester United fans and Italian police clashed during the half-time break at the Champions League quarter-final with AS Roma, which the English side lost 2-1 on Wednesday.
Television pictures from Rome's Olympic Stadium showed Italian police wading in and flailing at Manchester United fans with batons with several United fans bleeding profusely from head wounds.”

Shit like that would never happen in Rugby Union or most other sports.

I was at a 5 Nations (as it was called at the time) Rugby match between Wales and Scotland. A huge contingent of Scottish fans, singing Flower of Scotland and other great Scottish ‘war cries’ descended on an even bigger collection of singing Welsh fans. My immediate action was that it wasn’t looking good and that I was going to get caught up in the middle of one massive brawl between the Scots and the Welsh.

To my complete amazement, when the two swarms of countrymen met together, they abandoned their nations songs and instead joined forces to sing together, chanting and putting down England!

Fantastic!

Tuesday Joke

A large kiwi man, an Aussie Bloke, an old Italian Woman and a young Blonde Swedish girl with large breasts are sitting on a train.

As the train goes through a tunnel the lights go off and there is a loud slap.
The lights come back on and the kiwi man has a large red hand print on the side of his face.

The Kiwi is thinking "the Aussie must have groped the Swedish girls breasts and she slapped me by mistake."

The Swedish girl is thinking "The Kiwi must have tried to grope me in the dark but missed and got the old Italian woman."

The old Italian woman is thinking "The Kiwi must have groped the young Swedish girls breasts."

And the Aussie is thinking :

"Man I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that fucking Kiwi again!"

Unfortunately...

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!

ENJOY 4 DAYS OF NO WORK & SCOFFING CHOCOLATE!!!

Tampons

As a guy I know nothing about Tampons and nor should I.

And this fact was proved recently when my mate and I discussed Tampons and the fact that the mini tampons must be for women with small vaginas, and that the maxi tampons must be for women with large vaginas.

(There were other discussions about us hanging out in supermarkets and waiting for the women who bought small tampons…. but that’s another story….)

So Gents, that’s not how it works.

And Ladies, obviously I was wrong. When we later discussed this theory with a female friend, she burst out laughing only a few seconds into our serious discussion.

Therefore, now, I do know a bit more about Tampons – just don’t expect me to buy any for you.

Tough Guys

Driving along the freeway between Brisbane and the Gold Coast, a car pulls up along side and I peered in to see two large guys with shaved heads heaps of tattoos looking pretty mean and cramped into a small car.

They gave me a filthy look and it wouldn’t have been surprised if they pulled out a sawn-off shotgun and aimed it at me – probably the one they had just used to rob a bank – this is the type of guys they looked liked.

The tore off again and cut across in front of me.

As they did I looked at the back of their car.

It was one of those limited edition “Sportsgirl” Barina’s that Holden brought out about 10 years ago.

Nice one fellas.

Next thing we'll see Hell's Angels riding Vespa's.

Great!

Nothing better than waking up on a Monday and realising that there are only 4 days left until an extra long weekend.

Will be even better next Monday (Easter Monday) when I wake up and I don’t have to go to fucking work! Plus, when I do turn up on Tuesday, there will be only 4 days until the next weekend.

So happy!