Kiwis

If you find a sheep in long grass “just nice”, or eating a lamb chop is seen as “cannibalism”, don’t bother reading any further.

The world knows that Kiwis (New Zealanders) are wannabe-Australians.
But now I am starting to think that our government is encouraging them.

Firstly I heard about the Kiwis being able to get the Dole (welfare payments) here in Australia. And why not? Why sit in the eternal rain in NZ when you could be bludging in Bondi or on a Surfers Paradise beach.

Secondly I read recently where Kiwi Pensioners are allowed to use their Pension cards over here for discounts.

But this morning I heard the worst thing yet – New Zealanders are able to claim the First Home Owners Grant ($7,000) here in Australia, even if they already own a house back in NZ. Yet in Australia you can only get the grant if it is your first home.

Can you believe that?
That is fucking ridiculous!

Next thing they’ll be able to vote here, and the way they are flocking here like sheep, they’ll be able to vote in one of their own as the next Australian Prime Minister…

Australian of the Year

Lucky Man No.2

Please refer to the post below on Lucky Man.

Please substitute “Christina Aguilera” for “Kate Moss”.

Please substitute “Christina Aguilera’s husband” for “Kate Moss’ drug-fucked boyfriend”.

Numero Uno

Go on, Google "SurferCam" and see who’s No.1.

You can even click on “I’m Feeling Lucky” and you come straight here.
Plus it doesn't matter if you use Australian Google or the worldwide version.

And to think, some companies spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to achieve being No.1 on Google… all I had to do was come up with a dodgy blog!

Lucky Man

Have a look at Christina Aguilera’s husband.

Is he the luckiest man in the world?

He must wake up every morning, look in the mirror and think :
“Holy fuck! I am the luckiest man alive! How does someone as butt-ugly as me end up married to one of the hottest chicks on the planet!”

He must be :
(a) Absolutely loaded with cash.
(b) Hung like a Shetland Pony.
and judging by his looks and who he is with, he must be (c) All of the above.

He should be thanked really, because he gives hope to many of us blokes out there - me included!

You'll be missed Hun

It’s taken me a while to post about this.
Probably because I don’t know how to word it as this rambling post will prove.

One of my daily blog reads was Huniii.
Huniii was a mysterious, exciting and funny woman who I barely knew, but enjoyed her posts immensely.
Huniii was not well at all and she knew her time was almost up.
I’m glad I had the opportunity to have had a few conversations with her via our blogs.
So I was devastated when I found out this a few weeks ago on Aurelius’ blog

You’ll be missed by many Hun - some who knew you well and loved you, and others like me who unfortunately barely got the chance to know you.


PS : I really don’t know why, but I still go to her blog everyday…

Your Fired!

Any of you out there ever been fired from you job?

I was once asked “not to come back on Monday” so I guess that in a way is being fired.
It was during Uni and I was working during the holidays for a landscaper planting trees.
Now I am a bit of a perfectionist, so while the others were throwing the plants in at 100 trees per hour, I was taking my time and doing about 20 an hour, making sure they were just right etc.
Boss wasn’t happy, called me Friday afternoon after I finished and said don’t come back on Monday… It's the only time I've been fired and I think the only time I've come close to it.

I bet there are a few of you out there who have some great reasons for being fired, so let me know.

Not. Happy. Jan.

Today, I hate the world.

Is it because :
a) It’s Monday
b) I’m tired
c) I’m hungover
d) I’m hating work
e) I have heaps of work to do
f) I can’t be bothered to do anything
g) I have nothing decent to blog about
h) I can never seem to get ahead financially
i) I desperately need a holiday
j) I just saw the surf at lunch and it’s perfect
k) I still have 3 hours to go today at work
l) All of the above.

Friday Funny

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYONE!!!!

Tragedy

For those that are living outside Australia and don't know, there was a horrific train crash at Kerang in Victoria last week.

On Friday I was reading about how a man called Craig Meredith had not only lost his wife in the accident but also lost two of his daughters as well.

I honestly don’t know how he would cope.

I have a daughter and if anything happened to her, yes I would be completely devastated and I would not cope. I’m not sure I would want to cope.

So I couldn't possibly understand what it would be like loose two daughters and your wife.

My thoughts go out to Craig and his remaining family. All the best.

Conversations with a 4 year old.

No.1
Monkey : Daddy I think I will just wear this top.
SurferCam : Oh ok, I thought you were going to wear the purple one.
M : Well, I’ll just have a look in the mirror and if this one looks sexy I’ll just wear it.

I run out of the room before she hears me pissing myself laughing….


No. 2
I return to the car after being at the shops.
Monkey : Daddy what did you buy?
SurferCam : Oh just the newspaper.
M : (realising there is nothing for her) Fuck.

I curl up in a ball on the front seat almost choking as I try and hide the fact that I am pissing myself laughing….

Heaven

This was me on Saturday night :
- Five Star, 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom ocean view hotel room.
- 3 Plasma Screens including one you can watch while in the bath.
- $430 per night – FOR FREE! (stayed 2 nights)
- 1kg of prawns fresh off the trawler
- Bottle of Sauvignon Blanc
- Heinekens
- On one channel of the massive plasma, the Wallabies (Australian Rugby Union team) playing and actually winning,
- And on another channel, Carlton, my beloved and struggling Aussies Rules team, playing and also finally winning.
- To end the night, I slept stretched out and very content in a king-size bed watching Hugh Heffner and 3 girlfriends…

I’m not coping with reality today…

10 Things SurferCam cannot live without

(Besides things we must have like air, food, water, sunlight, eyesight, hearing & health etc..)

- My Pet Monkey (my daughter, for all those new players out there)
- Alcohol
- Tabasco
- Boobs
- Surfing
- Other sports such as Cricket, Cycling, Rugby Union & AFL
- Sport on TV – Le Tour de France, Rugby Union, AFL, & Cricket
- Love / Sex / Porn – if you’re a bloke, they are all exactly the same...
- Coffee - Flat Whites
- Email / Internet

Death

I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but unfortunately we are all going to die one day.
I often wonder what will happen after this life. I'm not morbid, just curious.
Not being a religious person (after most of my schooling at an all boys religious school drained it out of me), I don’t really know the answer or what to believe.

What do you think is going to happen to you when you die?

Me personally, my view is, it’s like before you were born. Nothing.

What do you think?

A picture says a thousand words...

... well, as a follow up to my post the other day on Sir Becks and Lady Plastic, he's my view on soccer :

Please....

Hear the latest joke – David Beckham is up for a Knighthood.
Imagine that – Sir David Beckham…. hahaha
What?
It’s not a joke?
If that soft pip-squeaked, girlie-boy punce who plays that nancy-boy actors academy sport for wimps and sissies becomes a “Sir”, then I should be up for King of the fucking World.

And just think, if he becomes a Sir, his skinny plastic wife automatically becomes Lady Victoria.
BAHAHAHAHA.

Days like this when I’m glad I am not English.

One for the Girls & One for the Boys

Once again, I can't be arsed blogging today, so after yesterday's great response, here are two more jokes - one for the girls and one for the boys.

Have a great weekend!

One for the Girls…

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably out fishing with his mates!!


One for the Boys

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, Silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom.

She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now tell him you’ve got a headache."