Heart Attack Material

If I walked in the door and found this waiting for me on the couch, I would seriously have a heart attack….
Then pick myself up off the floor and have the best night of my life!

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYONE!!!!!

Why aren’t there more lesbians in the world?

How come more of you girls aren’t interested in other girls?
I don't understand why more girls aren't into it.
Blokes are hairy and smelly, whereas women are soft, sexy and smell nice.

Fold or Scrunch?

Are you a Folder or a Scruncher?
And Why?

Me, I'm a Scruncher - I don't have time to sit there and neatly fold.

Great advice...

.... I just wish someone had told me earlier...

I’m BIG in Japan….

… Well in someone’s lounge room when they get back from their holidays in Australia.

I got out of the surf yesterday morning and was waiting for two mates of mine to come in.
I stood there on the beach with my board standing next to me, and watch the beach walkers, locals, tourists, kids playing and lifeguards making themselves look ‘pretty’.
A Japanese couple took photos of themselves and then the lady walked over in my direction. Oh here we go.
“Scooze me! Scooze Me! Photo? Photo?”
“Ah, you want me to take your photo, ok,” I said. I had done it many times before. (I seem to have one of those faces that people must find comforting, because I am ALWAYS get asked for the time, directions to somewhere, or if I can take photos).
“No, no,” she said, then gestured that she wanted her photo taken with ME!
“Oh ok.” How embarrassing.
So there was me, my board and her on the other side while her partner took the photo. I smiled, said ‘hurry up’ in my head, and watched the beach walkers, locals, tourists and kids all stop and stare at us. I think they probably thought that I was some pro-surfer or something – which I am definitely not!
“Thank you, thank you,” she said politely, thanking me for the photo.
“No worries, enjoy,” I said, thinking ‘thank fuck that’s all over’.
But no.
Now it was his turn to have his photo taken with me…
When it was all over, I felt a little embarrassed, but they were stoked about it and probably made their day.
It was little effort to help them out and I'm sure when they go back to Japan, they will be showing all their friends back home that they met a ‘real surfer’…

SurferCam - 20 years from now....

Dear Fellow Bloggers.

How did you get into Blogging?

I got into Blogging by googling a person on the Gold Coast which led me to Russell Allen’s Brisbane Window where Russ was talking at length about this person’s fantastic ‘rack’ I think were his words.

Over the next few days I read more and more of Russell’s past posts and thought that I too could do something similar, but nowhere near as funny, entertaining or interesting. But I thought I’d give it a try anyway.
And I did.
And whether you like it or not, I’m still going.

So thanks Rusty for the encouragement. Anyone who dislikes my blog – you know who you are – you can thank / punish Russell for it.

So, how did you get into Blogging?

Uni

I hated Uni.
(University for all the non-Aussies out there who maybe lucky enough to stumble upon this site)
The only thing I learnt at Uni was how to surf – because most days when I was supposed to be going to Uni, I would wake up to beautiful Gold Coast weather, check to see if I had any ‘really important classes’ and then go straight to the beach.
I only failed 1 subject at Uni which was Accounting which I LOATHED (and still LOATHE) but so did about 80% of my class, so that makes it alright. Except I had to do the fucking subject again.
At the start of my final year I had 10 subjects to go – 5 per semester instead of 4. I had to get special permission to do an extra subject per semester.
I managed to pass all 5 subjects in Semester 1, gaining 50.5% in every subject. Halfway through Semester 2 I was fairly sure I was going to pass everything else and graduate, so I booked a ticket to go to London for 2 years – if I didn’t pass, I would have to fly back from London and re-do which ever subject(s) I’d fucked up. The pressure was well and truly on.
I did my exams and was glad to be out of there. A few weeks later, not knowing whether I’d even passed or not, but hoping to hell I had, I was en route to Heathrow via a few weeks in the USA and Mexico.
After several fun weeks holiday, clouded with the stress of did I or didn’t I pass, I finally called home.
I’d passed.
Thank God!
That was 10 years ago, and to this day, I often have nightmares that I have forgotten to hand in an assignment or forgotten to sit an exam, and thus failed Uni.

TV Hostess with the Mostess

Dear Huniii,
Regarding your comments on Friday "I have noticed of late a distinct downturn in the number of boob-related posts".
This post is for you (and all the blokes out there!)






She certainly makes Sandra Sulley look pretty ordinary....

This is Darren

Darren is going to look after my blog for the weekend.

Please direct any questions, complaints or otherwise to him.

Famous Aussies who are not actually Aussies

Here is a list of people that us Aussies claim as being Australian :

Nicole Kidman (USA)
Mel Gibson (USA)
Russell Crowe (NZ)
Noah Taylor (UK)
Naomi Watts (UK)
Guy Pearce (UK)
Neil Finn (NZ)
George Gregan (Zambia)
Andrew Symonds (UK)
The Bee Gees (UK)
Olivia Newton-John (UK)
Jimmy Barnes (Scotland)
Bon Scott(Scotland)

Can you name any others?

SurferCam Junior

Last Friday, a few of you found it hard to believe that I have a child.
Well, here she is...

In the Lift #4 - Part II

A while back I introduced you all to the Madonna freak that works in my building.
He's about 30 years old (old enough to know better), a rough and rugged type of bloke, who just happens to be blatantly OBSESSED with Madonna.
Why do I know this? Well as my previous post pointed out, he wears a gold necklace with the word Madonna on it, he has a picture of Madonna hanging off his mobile phone, and he was wearing a bandanna around his wrist with the word Madonna on it.
And on Friday, I discovered that he is truly fanatical.
Why?
Because I saw him with a short-sleeve shirt on and what did he have tattooed around his arm?
You guessed it boys and girls :
MADONNA

(Somehow I've got to get a photo of this guy because I am sure there are people out there who can't and don't want to believe that this guy really exists.)

Father of the Year….

… I don’t think so.
Monkey is 4 and is starting Prep next year and she went to her first school interview yesterday. She was interviewed by the Headmaster of quite a religious school. These are some of the questions he asked and her responses. Thankfully I wasn’t there…

Headmaster : What do you like to do on the weekend with your Mummy and Daddy?
Monkey: Mummy and I go to the park.
HM : What about Daddy?
Monkey : He just goes to the pub.

Headmaster : What do you like to do at night?
Monkey: Mummy and I read books and Daddy just sits on the couch and watches TV.

Being quite a religious school, the Pink Mafia decided that she should ask Monkey a few questions before the interview.
PM : Honey, do you know who Jesus and God are?
Monkey : Are they my friends at school?
PM : Umm, yes they are your friends, but they are not at school.
Monkey : Great. Are they going to take me to swimming lessons?

Thankfully she was asked before the interview, and thankfully the Headmaster didn’t ask her if she knew Jesus or God….

Welcome to Indonesia

If the terrorists don’t kill you, there’s a good chance that an earthquake, plane crash or tsunami will. Humankind and mother nature are not the friendliest bunch in Indonesia.

It’s a shame really. I spent a couple of weeks there back in 2000 surfing some great waves, visiting some awesome places, learning their culture and drinking as much Bintang as I could keep down.

Apart from a guy on a motorcycle who pretended to shoot us with his pretend gun, every other Indonesian we came across we so friendly and loved us Aussies. We tried our best to fit in and by the end of our stay were having in-depth conversations in Indonesian with the locals – and they loved us for making the effort.

But since 2000, many things have changed and unfortunately I don’t think I would go back. It's a real shame.

Games of Life

Last night I was watching a show on ABC or SBS (can’t remember) and they had some young Israeli’s playing computer games, practising killing insurgents.
One of the young guys said that it is preparing him for when he is an adult and does it for real!
Unbelievable!
I found this very hard to fathom.
But then I thought about my childhood and I was happy when realised that I’ll be ready when those Invaders from Space turn up…

I've always been a BIG fan...

Monday

MONDAYS FUCKING SUCK!

This will probably be my most logic, thought-provoking and intelligent post all week.

War of the Words

For all those who have missed out on the exciting events over on Original Mel's blog, please indulge here.

Apologies to Mel for using her blog as a battlefield...

4 THINGS ABOUT ME

A): Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Macca’s shit kicker (3 and a half shifts only)
2. Picking up golf balls on a driving range
3. Merchant Banker
4. Property Developer

B): Four movies I watch over and over:
1. Pulp Fiction
2. South Park The Movie
3. Star Wars
4. Empire Strikes Back

C): Four places I have lived:
1. Dallas, Texas, USA
2. London, UK
3. Sydney, AUSTRALIA
4. Gold Coast, AUSTRALIA

D): Four television shows I watch:
1. Simpsons
2. Little Britain
3. Spicks and Specs
4. Family Guy

E): Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Cancun, MEXICO
2. Breckenridge, Colorado, USA
3. Biarritz, FRANCE
4. Treasure Island, FIJI

F): Four web sites I visit daily:
1. Swellnet
2. Google
3. Sydney Morning Herald
4. SurferCam

G). Four of my favorites foods:
1. Fajitas
2. Steak
3. Pizza
4. Pasta

H): Four places I would rather be right now:
1. At the Playboy Mansion.
2. Surfing.
3. Driving a 911.
4. Absolutely anywhere but work or the dentist.