Street Diving

I won’t name names, but a fellow blogger had an ‘incident’ last week where she fell over in public and felt that she had embarrassed herself.

Fingers encouraged me to post about her, but no need to – I’ve done it many times before, to the point that when I lived in London, I was known to my fellow work mates at the World Champion Street Diver.

Incident No.1
Semi drunk, tripped and ‘dived’ and rolled down a flight of about 8 stairs. Concrete stairs too, out the front of Liverpool Street Station – one of the busiest in the City of London. At rush hour. Only several hundred people saw me. And laughed.

Incident No.2
Bit more drunk, tripped (over nothing) and ‘dived’ into the gutter out the front of the pub where the WHOLE office had their daily after work beers. When I came to a stop, I was at the feet of the Head of Investment Banking, who just laughed at me and kept on walking…

Real Estate agents - they just dont get it - Part II

As a follow up to my post last week on Real Estate Agents and how they just don't get it, I got this email yesterday. (If you don't know what I am talking about, read the previous post first and you will understand)

"Dear SurferCam,
It would be highly appreciated if you could forward me your full name so I can place you properly on my database for future reference.

Also could you please give me an indication of you are after in terms of real estate in order to provide you with the appropriate information?"

You gotta be kidding right!
(I cut/paste, so all spelling and grammar errors are his).

Old People

I used to love old people, but lately they are getting on my nerves.
One of my best mates is always going on about how old people shouldn’t be allowed out of the house between the hours of 7am and 9am, 12pm to 1pm and then 4pm to 6pm, because they are just clogging up the roads. One of his reasons behind this is “they have all day to do whatever it is they think is so urgent to do. Why can’t they wait until rush hour is over.”
I always laughed at him. But now I am starting to agree with him, especially the part about “they have all day to do it.”
Or in my case, they have all week to do it.
My neighbours on one side are well into retirement and have all day everyday to do whatever they like.
So when did they decide to mow their lawns? 8am on Sunday morning!
Yes 8am!
Yes Sunday!
Thankfully for them (and me) I was not hungover, otherwise it could have got very ugly.
But geez give me a break – they’ve got all week to mow their lawns, and I wouldn’t even care if they got up at 6am during the week and did it.
And it’s not the first time they’ve done this - they also did this on Australia Day, at about 7am.
Yes mowing the lawns is an Australian thing to do, but not on a public holiday when all us hard workers finally get a chance to sleep in.

In my next life...

... I want to come back as a Personal Trainer....

Public Apology

When I was young and stupid - no not yesterday - but when I was about 16, I went out with this girl.
After only 1 week she dumped me because I was, and I quote, “too nice”.
SC : Too nice?
Girl : Yeah. We don’t argue or anything like that. There’s no conflict.
SC: But it’s only been a week!
Girl : “ ”
SC : Ok then, bye.

She was right, I am a nice guy, but I’m not that nice a guy.
And to prove it, what did I do?
Well, myself and a few mates were drunk one night and happen to be passing her house. So we stopped out the front, and abused her at the top of our drunken voices, calling her a slut and a bitch amongst many other colourful things.

A few days later I received a call.
Caller : Is that Cam?
SC : Yes.
Caller : It’s (girl’s) brother here, Matt.
SC : Oh yes *I wonder why he is calling*
Matt : The other night when you and your mates were out the front of my place calling my sister a slut and a bitch, we were all sitting down to a nice family dinner – me, my mum and dad, and even my grandmother was there.
SC : oh *please let me die*
Matt : We heard EVERYTHING!
SC : I’m so sorry about that we were drunk and it was stupid to….
Matt : Watch your back! *click*

OH! FUCK!
It was about then that I remembered more about Matt – he was a few years older, a lot bigger and was expelled in Grade 10 for stealing a car! Yes Grade 10!
Luckily for me, I never heard from him or his sister again and that was the end of it.

A year later, I was leaving a unit during schoolies week when the lift doors opened up and I walked in.
And as I walked in, who should be in there – fucking Matt!
OH! FUCK! I was already in the lift and couldn’t back out.
I barely lifted my head and hid in the corner the whole way to the ground floor. It was the longest lift ride in my life!
“See ya mate,” Matt said as he got out, not realising who I was.
I was speechless. I ran to my car without stopping and drove home still scared shitless.

So, after 15 years, I would like to publicly apologise to the following family members :
- Girl I went out with
- Her Sister
- Her Brother
- Her Mother
- Her Father
- and of course, her beloved Grandmother.

Yes we do.

Alive!

Being a massive Rugby Union fan, and not liking Soccer at all, I was very pleased to hear this:

Remember the movie "Alive" - the true story about the Old Christians rugby team from Uruguay, who while flying to a game in Chile in 1972, crashed in the Andes.
16 of the 45-strong squad were rescued 72 days later, after having survived by eating the flesh of their dead teammates.
One of those survivors, Nando Parado, was interviewed by an American rugby magazine over the summer, and made the case that the one thing they had going for them in those extreme conditions was that they were a team.
And not just any team. A rugby team, used to "breathing each other's sweat".
As a matter of fact, Nando says, "If we had been a soccer team, we would have died …".

Am I the only one?

Am I the only one in Australia who doesn't have an Ipod?

I love my music and have hundreds of CD's, but I haven't got an Ipod.

I've been hunting around and I think this is the one that I want to get.

It's got some great attachments too.....

Real Estate agents – they just don’t get it.

Even though I have two really good mates who are Real Estate agents, and I know some very good ones, there are a lot out there who are HOPELESS!!!!!!

This Dodgy Incompetent Arsehole Real Estate Agent that I have the unfortunate pleasure of meeting a few weeks ago calls me yesterday...

DIAREA : I’d just like to follow up with what you are looking for.

SurferCam : A house or a duplex pair.

DIAREA : Ok, and where are you looking?

SC : Miami, Burleigh and Mermaid.

DIAREA : Ok, and how much are you looking to spend?

SC : Around half a mill.

DIAREA : Ok. I have a house in Varsity Lakes, it’s….

SC : No. Not interested in Varsity Lakes.

DIAREA : Ok, I have a townhouse in….

SC : No. Not interested in townhouses.

DIAREA : Oh. Ok, where are you looking for?

SC : *for fucks sake* I said before, Miami, Burleigh and Mermaid only.

DIAREA : Oh right ok. And what are you looking for?

SC : *you gotta be kidding me* A house or a duplex pair only.

DIAREA : Right, I don't have anything at the moment, but I’ll keep you in mind.

SC : Great. You do that.

I loathe Valentines Day

One Valentines Day, John came home from work with a bunch of flowers for his wife Jane.

He arrives home, and Jane and her friend Kate are having coffee.

“Happy Valentines Day Jane,” says John, handing her the huge bunch of flowers.

“Oh, thanks, John.”

When John walks out of the room, Kate remarks to Jane what a loving husband she has.

“Yeah,” says Jane, not looking very happy, “but now that means I’ll have to spend the rest of the night on my back and with my legs in the air.”

Kate says, “Why? Don’t you have a vase?”

Elle 'crazy' at two-year sex drought

I read this yesterday.... and I was saddened....

Elle MacPherson hasn't had sex for two years.

The Australian supermodel and lingerie designer says she doesn't have much luck with men.

She told Esquire: "It's crazy but, apart from a brief romantic intermission last summer, I have been single and celibate for two years. How boring is that?"

The 43-year-old beauty claims men are intimidated by her looks.

She said: "I just don't get men hitting on me, but I'm a hopeless flirt. I'll go up to a guy and say, 'I think you are so beautiful'. But it doesn't work."

********

Dear Elle,

Please hit on me, I won’t say no.

Love SurferCam

I f*&king hate Mondays

I f*&king hate Mondays.
And especially today.
Why?
- Because it's Monday.
- It's not the weekend.
- I put my back out at 2am this morning.
- My back is fucking killing me.
- Plus have a massive headache.
- And the Aussies fucked up big time last night in the cricket.
- And if I cared about tennis, we lost in the Davis Cup too.

In other words, don't come near me today.
I should be wearing a shirt that says "APPROACH WITH CAUTION".

In the Lift #5

There is a guy in my building who is a complete knob.

Yes knob. That is the word that best describes him.

He drives a 20 year old Toyota MR2 sports car – which means its not modern and its certainly not a classic, but he thinks he is fucking cool in it. If the car was an animal, it would have been put down by now.

But it gets much worse.

He thinks he’s God’s gift to everything.

He gets out of his piece of shit car in the basement, with his sunglasses on (hello! We are 4 levels below ground, hence no sun…) and not only does he have his business shirt untucked, but he has all the buttons undone. Yep all of them. Shirt open, chest and stomach exposed.

And he actually rides in the lift with his shirt undone, and sunnies on, all the way to one of the top floors. It doesn’t faze him when people are getting in or out of the lift, he just stands there trying to look cool – sunnies on, stomach out.

And yes he’s got a flat stomach, but if you’re built like an anorexic coat-hanger, you’d have a flat stomach too.

One day when I am extra hungover and hating the world, I will turn to Knobhead and tell him to "PUT SOME FUCKING CLOTHES ON!"

I think maybe he is hoping that one of the hotties in our building will say to him “oh I love you’re dicky sports car, you're Servo sunnies and your skinny scrawny body - let’s fuck”.

Ain’t gonna happen Knobbo.

The best news ever!

Between high school and Uni I lived in the US – Dallas, Texas to be exact – for 2 years.

I had the best time and its still my home away from home.

One of the places I loved going to over there was a restaurant.

I always thought this restaurant would do very well here in Australia.

Now driving to work this morning I passed an old restaurant that was recently bought and a new restaurant is opening up in its place.

And what did the banner say out the front of the restaurant :

COMING SOON : HOOTERS

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

I am SO excited.

I’m like a kid in a candy shop…. or a 32 year old in a Hooters restaurant.

Now before all the lady readers of my blog start having a go at me about being sexiest etc, the food there is awesome! And that’s why I’ll be going!

Major Upgrade... or downgrade...

The following cool kids who sit up the back of the bus, have been added as links on my site.

(You can thank me later or just post cartons of beer to me).

Please see left.

If I’ve left you out, please let me know and I’ll add you to the cool list.

If you are too cool and you don’t want to be here, let me know and I’ll discard you like a used condom.

Dog for Sale

Things my 18-month old Labrador has chewed to bits and/or destroyed:

- Blow-up crocodile for the pool

- Monkey’s Winnie the Pooh toy

- Monkey’s Happy Feet penguin toy

- Six garden hoses

- Five garden hose nozzles

- Two water bowls

- Three dog leads

- One watering can

- Three wooden chairs – yes, wooden.

- Several plants

- Monkey’s trike

- Monkey’s scooter

- Numerous clothes off the clothes line – mainly mine….

Top 10 on TV

Top 10 people I hate seeing on TV.

1. Bec Cartwright – she shits me big time. She makes me change the channel whenever she appears.
2. Guy Sebastian or any other contestant on Idol who now continues to annoy us well after the show has long finished.
3. Dicko – who else has realised that he has the word ‘dick’ in his name? I don’t think that it is a coincidence.
4. The other bloke that was a host on Oz Idol who had one song back about 50 years ago.
5. Benny Hinn - religious fraudster.
6. Don Burke – thank god (or Ch.9) you show was axed. You’re on the list for making Susie O’Neill cry.
7. Kyle from some radio station.
8. Jackie from the same radio station.
9. Andrew Gee – get a fucking haircut.
10. And the weird looking guy who is always next to Andrew Gee.

Top 10 people I like seeing on TV.
1. Lara Bingle
2. Richie Benaud – because that means the cricket is on.
3. Sandra Sully
4. Jennifer Hawkins
5. Terasa Livingstone – because she’s beautiful and a great mate.
6. Gordon Bray – because that means the Rugby is on.
7. Bruce McAvaney – because that means the Olympics or some other massive sporting event is on.
8. Homer J. Simpson
9. Phil Liggett – because that means Le Tour de France is on.
10. The woman who reads the Italian news on SBS – Mamma Mia!!!!

Friday Funny

Dear "Fingers"

Fingers, re your comments the other day on the t-shirts.
If you've got the cash, I've got the ideas!
Drop me an email.